5 to 1 for relationship magic

Did you know that there is actually a ‘magic ratio’ when it comes to positive vs negative interactions in healthy relationships? The Magic Ratio is a term coined by researcher John Gottman. Original studies at The Gottman Institute looked at interactions between adults in couple relationships, but the magic works just as well in parent-child relationships too.

Here it is – and brace yourself, it might seem daunting at first! But, what we ideally aim for in our relationships is FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative interaction.

5:1

Are panic and guilt setting in yet? Just me?! Five positive for every one negative?!

Honestly, my first thought is how will I have time for all that intentional positivity? There is so much ‘parenting’ (aka nagging) to be done on the daily; all those little reminders my kids need before we even get out the door in the morning, for example:

• “Stop scrolling and pack your bag.”
• “Change that song please, it’s putting me off my breakfast.”
• “Whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher and why isn’t it done yet?”
• “Guys, come on! No booby traps on bedroom doors!” (True story: my son recently installed an old guitar string as a tripwire across his bedroom doorway and derived endless enjoyment from everyone falling over it.)

At certain times of the day – like before-school rush hour – it can feel like our kids need another instruction about every 15 seconds.

Reminding and correcting – these are such huge parts of being a parent. And I guess many of us would feel these are ‘negative’ interactions. I’m pretty sure our children/teenagers see them that way!

So, how on earth do we ensure there are five positive interactions per one negative? Is this even achievable?

I want to emphasise that in every family, sometimes this ‘Magic Ratio’ gets flipped and becomes decidedly UN-magic. Five negative interactions for every one positive would be quite common, I imagine. We can find ourselves stuck in a less-than-positive parenting groove.

When the ratio is around the wrong way, our kids become more resistant to our comments. They can be actively unhelpful. They start to avoid us. They'll flare up at us and we'll flare up with them. The relationship starts to feel hostile and it can seem hard to turn it around.

A few years ago we bought our children one of those circular, above-ground pools for Christmas. So much fun! If you get a group of children playing in the pool, sooner or later they will agree to make a whirlpool. Once they've all been running in the pool in one direction for a few minutes, the force of the water just keeps carrying everyone along.

Occasionally, someone will yell “Switch direction!” They’ll plant their feet down and start ploughing through the swirling water in the opposite direction. This is enormously hard work, and it takes a while to convince everyone to go the other way. But when they do – and once everyone joins in – the whirlpool flows in the other direction, and it’s just as easy to go counter-clockwise as clockwise.

The same is true with flipping the ratio in our relationships. As adults, we want to be the leaders in this situation and take responsibility to get things back on track.

How do we warm things up? We make the positive interactions well outweigh the negative.

Fellow parent, I urge you not to be overwhelmed by this aspiration. It’s so important to understand how small the positive interactions can be. All positivity absolutely counts, even the tiny moments.

• “Great job getting ready in time this morning team, I’m so proud of you all.”
• “Thanks for helping with the washing, that made a huge difference to my morning.”
• “I’m so excited about watching your game this weekend, I know you’ve been training really hard.”
• “Can’t wait to see you after school – let’s grab an ice cream on the way home.”

Sometimes we hear that we need to keep things positive, and immediately feel like we’re being told to do things that take a lot of time or money. We can feel exhausted before we even start. Friend, keep it simple.

Mary Grant (co-founder of Parenting Place) used to ask parents to do this little check-in:

“Do your eyes light up when your child enters the room?"

There is a golden opportunity for positive interaction every time your child wanders into the kitchen or climbs into the car. Look up! Make eye contact. Look delighted! This communicates so much to our children/ teenagers!

I get it, it can be so easy to immediately go to business mode when we first see our kids.

• “Don’t throw your bag! You’ve got a chrome-book in there you know!”
• “What took you so long? You know we’re in a rush on Thursdays….”
• “Hey, did you remember to give your teacher the permission form?”

Instead, let's follow the discipline of taking a moment to give them a big welcoming smile:

“Hello my sweet chicken! So great to see you!”

BOOM. That was a positive interaction.

Greetings are actually a big deal. They set the tone. And a warm greeting will hugely increase the likelihood that your child will start to greet you with a delighted smile too!

At each moment of greeting, we parents have an opportunity to make eye contact, inject warmth into our tone of voice, hit pause on the ‘nagging’, communicate love, initiate a big high five or a hug, use a fond nickname, act un-rushed and put the phone down (or away!).

For hundreds more practical ideas on how to change up the ratio in your whānau - with more positive, less negative - come along to Parent Coaching.