Being with instead of diving in

Can we take a moment to acknowledge the sacrifices many of us make on the daily, supporting our kids to live out their passions and dreams? Here’s to you!

I’ve spent many hours in the past 10 years being Uber driver for my creative kids. Hip hop, basketball, musical theatre. And we do this because we love our kids and we want them to follow their dreams and passions, right? But what happens when things don’t go their way? How do we respond when their dreams come crashing down?

This August, I’m accompanying my daughter to the World Hip Hop championships in the USA. This is a dream come true for my hip hop mad daughter, but the road to World’s has been a bumpy one. There have been highs and lows and many lessons learnt (by her, and us - her parents!) along the way.

Let's go back a bit, to the lead up to the National competition in 2020. All the dancers in the team were given a report card for their effort and performance, and most importantly, they were told who would be named in the competition team and who would be in the reserves.

Imagine my absolute heartache when I received an email one morning to inform me that despite my daughter’s excellent effort and commitment, she was being placed as a reserve. My heart sank as I handed her the report to read. As I watched her face crumble and the tears start to flow, my mind was racing. All I could think about was how was I going to fix this? How could I make it better? I felt a sense of injustice. Had the teacher not realised how great a dancer she was? Did I need to call the teacher and demand she change her mind?

At that moment, my husband walked into the room. Fatherly intuition told him what had happened as he saw our daughter sobbing quietly on the couch. He also knew me well enough to realise that I was in ‘Fix it!’ mode.

He gave me a look that clearly said, “Don’t even think about trying to fix this.” He walked over to the couch and scooped our daughter up into his arms. He sat with her and held her as she sobbed. He said... NOTHING. He sat and he sat as the tears streamed.

As I stood on the other side of the room surveying this scene, I was struck by the beauty of what I was witnessing. He was choosing to ‘be with’ our daughter in her moment of sadness. He wasn’t trying to fix it with words or reason, his presence was enough.

By the time she came home from school later that day, she had clearly worked through her disappointment to the point where she was ready to problem-solve. She announced that she was determined to practise every day in her summer break, and that she would get into the team. And she was right, her hard work paid off and she was named in the final draft of the competition team. They went to Regionals and came away with first place.

Interestingly, that wasn’t the win for me. The win was learning the power of allowing her to feel her disappointment, choosing to be with her and not fix it, and watching her process her emotions and come out the other side.

How often do we struggle to manage our own feelings about the distress our children are experiencing? Their discomfort triggers feelings of sadness in us, and that discomfort leads us to a crossroad. Do we dismiss their feelings with distraction or reason, or do we see this as an opportunity to connect and let our presence help our children navigate through their big feelings?

Being emotionally available to our children – simply ‘being with’ them – is a wonderfully helpful support. When we choose to just sit with our kids in their distress, they can actually move through those painful moments faster than if we were to distract, dismiss or disregard their feelings.

Self-regulation is a powerful skill for our children to develop, but the first step in the ‘training’ process is co-regulation. Co-regulation happens when our kids have us beside them in their big feelings. There is powerful learning in these moments as it’s here that we can help a child organise their feelings. As they co-regulate with us beside them, they learn that all emotions are safe, okay and manageable.

Even though we know it's important to ‘be with’ our children when they are struggling with big feelings, this doesn’t mean that we stop for every single emotion. Life keeps moving along, and our children need to know that we have feelings too. It is appropriate to let your child know that their emotions matter, but we still need to get into the car so we can make it to school on time. Learning to ‘be with’ our children when we can and when it’s critical is the goal.

And yes, it can be a real battle to just be with our child. We’re made for action, we yearn for it – the need to fix, settle and solve runs deep. Yet there’s such power in being a still and quiet presence for our kids. That stillness allows the dust to settle, the feelings to slow to a simmer (or even less), and it allows time for the thinking and reasoning part of their brain (and ours!) to re-engage. 'Being with' brings perspective.

While biting our tongue, measuring our words and attempting to be still will add more calm to the situation right now, we’re also playing the long game. This 'being with' method, used over and over, is teaching your children real maturity and measure – emotions matter, it’s okay to sit with them, and in giving space, a solution will come.

Next time your child is struggling with some big feelings and you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, remember these steps:

1. Be curious about your own emotions

Notice how your own emotions are being triggered and acknowledge how you're feeling. It also helps to breathe in this moment! Slow down before diving in.

2. Find a way to bring your empathy and connect

Sometimes your presence or bear hug is all that is needed. Maybe it’s dropping everything you’re doing, moving closer, and showing your child you’re all theirs. Perhaps it’s fetching a drink to help them find calm, and just sitting there beside them. Use words only if necessary.

3. Avoid fixing

This is so hard to do as it’s painful when we see our children upset. But our kids learn resilience when their bigger, stronger, wiser and kind parent chooses to meet them where they are at.

By being with and co-regulating alongside, we’re paving the way for our children to learn to self-regulate over time. Self-restraint from us, self-regulation from them! That’s the goal… over time! As is, doing well at the Hip Hop World Champs!