Big feelings: How to respond and what actually helps

I’ve worked with families for over three decades and this I know for sure - parents are pretty good at showing up for their kids. They are keen to keep track of what is going on for their children and passionate about helping them out when they are going through hard times.

Sometimes, however, this loving ‘help’ ends up not actually being that helpful and a child can feel misunderstood or that their parent is not listening to them. Parents’ well-intentioned responses to their children can sometimes come with a side order of judgement, advice or criticism.

There's a risk that in our quest to help our kids feel better sooner, we can dismiss or even disapprove of their feelings.

It's normal for children to go through tricky moments, and quite regularly! Their uncomfortable feelings can be stirred by any of these everyday challenges:

• You bought the wrong type of bread

• Their sister is breathing too loudly in the car seat next to them

• It is time to have the last story and go to bed

• Screen time is over and it is time to turn it off

• They couldn’t find their friend at lunchtime

• They didn’t get invited to a party

On any given day, our kids can experience moments of struggle through transitions and disappointments and things not going the way they had hoped or planned. What children need most in these moments is for parents to be comfortable, even in the child’s discomfort, and to offer a space of listening and caring. It helps to keep in mind that when a child feels heard, they feel loved.

Let’s take a typical childhood challenge and see how easy it can be to DISMISS the emotion.

The screen time is over and it is time to stop. Sam is crying because you didn’t let him finish his game...

Dismissing emotion might sound like this:

• “What you need to do is remember how lucky you are to have time on a device – instead of just seeing what you haven’t got!”

• “Okay, calm down. You can have ten more minutes – but then you have to stop.”

• “Let’s just have an ice-cream and take your mind off this.”

• “When I was your age, we didn’t have devices and we just got on with the very few toys we had.”

Sitting with the emotion and tuning into it could sound like this:

• “It is hard to end something you love so much. Let’s turn it off and have a cuddle.”

• “I can see you are sad and disappointed. I find it hard to end screen time too.”

• “I am going to watch this last bit with you and when that ends, I can turn it off or you can.”

Let’s take a typical childhood challenge and see how easy it can be to DISAPPROVE of the emotion.

Your daughter did not get invited to a popular girl in her class’s birthday party...

Disapproving of their emotion might sound like this:

• “There’s no need to be upset about this silly party.”

• “That’s enough crying about the party. You can’t carry on being upset like this.”

• “Don’t you dare stomp your foot at me.”

• “If you can’t manage this small thing – you won’t manage bigger upsets.”

Sitting with the emotion and tuning into it could sound like this:

• “It's okay to be so sad about this. It makes sense.”

• “I’m here to talk about it if you would like to.”

• “I can still remember what if felt like to not be included in something special.”

• “Would you like a cuddle? Let me know if you change your mind and come and get me.”

Yes, this can all be easier said than done. Recognising that we struggle with allowing a child to feel a big emotion is a good start. It also helps to accept that children are going to feel a whole range of emotions on any given day.

We should also recognise that some emotions are harder for us to sit with in ourselves. Perhaps, as a child, we did not have anyone allowing us to feel something and staying close while we did. As we grew up, maybe our parents allowed excitement, boredom and frustration, but dismissed or disapproved of anger, sadness and shame. Everyone has their own journey with feeling understood and cared for during emotions. That is why parenting is one of the biggest invitations you will ever get to heal and grow.

Parents can find themselves in a habitual pattern of giving advice or being critical. The good news is that it is possible to change your scripts. Many parents notice the immediate change in their child when they get alongside the problem and listen to their child’s feeling. It softens a child’s heart and makes them feel way less defensive and way more receptive. It really can be a game changer.

See how you go!