Changing the script

Growing up, my family life was colourful to say the least. In my earlier years, I recall a lot of uncertainty, moving around, different men and some scary situations. But my two sisters and I always had our mum, and we stuck close. It certainly wasn’t easy for Mum, becoming a parent as a teenager and raising three kids mostly on her own without a good support network.

When I was six or seven, my then-stepfather went to jail, the cumulation of a particularly intense and unstable time for our family. I remember ending up in hospital with my older sister; I had a severe asthma attack and my sister’s lung collapsed – a stress response to what had happened. I also remember, with that innocent ‘kid lens’, that my sister saw her TV hero Knight Rider, who came in to visit patients at Middlemore Hospital, and I got to meet the ‘real’ Ronald MacDonald. Exciting stuff!

After the court case and jail verdict, Mum decided to get us out of Auckland and we moved up north to quiet and quaint Waipu. With the help of Nana, Mum rustled up enough to put a deposit on a house which – miraculously – came fully furnished!

It was a fresh start. Life became more settled. Mum met and married my new step-dad, Murray, when I was nine. Murray was stable, kind and safe. He gave me hope that good men existed – important learning for a pre-teen figuring out romantic relationships.

Our family certainly wasn’t picture perfect; blended families don’t actually look anything like The Brady Bunch. There was still insecurity, not knowing exactly where you fit, and I had lots of internal questions around my birth father and my half-siblings who I didn’t know well.

When I look back on that time, I have so much admiration for the woman my mum had become. She worked so hard to change her story, to break poverty cycles and to establish a new path for her family.

Regardless of our circumstances and everything we’d been through, I always knew I was deeply loved by my mum and that she wanted the best for us. For that I am deeply grateful. We had some rough times, but she had a positive outlook on life and always made things fun with her brilliant sense of humour.

As I moved into adulthood, Mum's love and encouragement, combined with my step-dad Murray’s stability, helped me gain the courage to go off to university alone, to travel and have adventures.

I was determined to create a good life for myself and have a healthy marriage. I met and married a wonderful, kind man. I became a mum myself when I was 30, almost double the age Mum was when she had my older sister! And while motherhood was (and still is!) daunting, it truly is the most amazing privilege of my life.

When I look back on the early years of my own mothering journey, I see someone who passionately loved her babies, who would do anything to protect them. It was a glorious season of endless cuddles, breast-feeding, slow walks and the deepest joy and gratitude. Regardless of the sleep deprivation and intensity of mum-life, to have the blessing of children and the privilege of a safe and loving home is not something I take lightly.

But becoming a mum was also a really hard and deeply scary time for me. The responsibility of looking after precious little people when you've had unsafe experiences and trauma yourself is tough. It can be really triggering. I had a lot of anxiety resurface, my brain was in overdrive to stay in control and to keep everyone safe. Over time I’ve discovered tools and strategies to find my inner calm and to heal, and I continue to work on this.

I’ve worked really hard to break the cycle of instability and poverty for my children. I was determined to provide them with a firm foundation to grow and develop in these crucial childhood years. Therapy and self-reflection have empowered me to move forward, creating a lasting legacy for my babies and a home grounded in love, hope, forgiveness and joy. All these things continue to be a work in progress, but they’re deeply important to me.

I speak to my mum most days. She is my role model for overcoming adversity and not giving up. She is my rock-solid supporter, my number one fan. She has always encouraged me to go out and live my best life, take risks, see the world and not be held back. She always believes the best for me.

And she’s a crack-up – my goodness she makes me laugh. She’s never lost her epic sense of humour and her ability to say and do the most outrageous things – and get away with it! Now as a grandmother, she still has all of that and more and her grandkids adore her. They love Nanny’s vibrancy and ridiculous humour.

It’s a great joy to be involved in the work of Parenting Place. I’ve also personally benefited from the incredible support of family coaching sessions and Toolbox parenting courses. I’ve seen first-hand the power behind Parenting Place’s vision – to see every parent feeling supported and confident, and every child feeling deeply loved.

I share my story to honour mums everywhere, but this piece is especially dedicated to my mum Karen – the most courageous woman I know. You truly are my hero.

Happy Mother's Day!