Don't go! Supporting your child through babysitter woes

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Parent Coach Jenny Hale.

Ever since we had Zoe we haven’t managed to go out as a couple without her. She is nearly six now and is still insisting that we don’t leave her at home with a babysitter. We have no family nearby, but a close friend has offered to babysit. It’s a cause of tension as my wife does not want to leave Zoe unhappy, but I think she will be okay once we’ve gone. Unfortunately, it’s gone into the ‘too hard basket’.

Parents often wait for the perfect conditions to leave kids at home with a babysitter and take some time out. Unfortunately, when it comes to parenting and raising kids, perfect conditions are a rarity. Some children cope very well with babysitters and feel a sense of excitement in the change of routine. Others are reluctant to part with their parents – even if the babysitter is someone they know well.

It's important for parents to have time to nurture their own relationship and healthy for children to see this happen. It can be done in little loving steps that help kids feel safe and secure.

Zoe is probably now used to having you both to herself, but she is also capable of enjoying the company of others. Having friends or neighbours to your home for a cup of tea or a meal is a good way to help Zoe feel more comfortable with other people, and a chance for her to make connections with safe adults in your presence.

Start with going for a walk or coffee while your friend babysits. Let Zoe know what is happening and how long you will be. Remind her that you will always come back. She may protest, and that is normal. Have a special activity set up and ready to go so there is something fun for her to focus on.

Sometimes children’s tears can derail us, but they don’t have to. Let Zoe share her big feelings about why she doesn’t like you going out, and simply accept those feelings. It’s likely she will be experiencing a range of emotions, including feeling sad, cross, lonely, left out, scared and annoyed. The big job here is to welcome all those emotions and validate them. You could say something like, “You’re upset that we’re going out for a little bit without you. This is hard for you right now.”

Going out at night can be a little bit harder for children to manage, and they need their parents to help reduce the alarm they face. In her book, Rest, Play, Grow, Dr Deborah MacNamara talks about ‘bridging’ as a helpful ritual that supports a child through time away from a caregiver. Bridging involves giving the child something tangible during their separation, as well as focusing on the next point of connection. When you use a goodbye ritual, you draw attention to the next time you will be together and put the focus on the joy of that. Let Zoe know that you will be thinking of her while you are out and speak about the joy of the reunion when you see each other again. For example, “I can’t wait to see you again in the morning. We will have pancakes and you can help cook them and choose the toppings.”

When Zoe sees that she can manage a small amount of time without you, she will be able to grow in confidence and resilience. There is no need to constantly remind her of the upcoming event, as that can signal to her that you’re anxious. Let her see it on the calendar, or just let her know the day before that you are going out the next day.

It’s also good to say goodbye rather than just sneaking off. Children do better when they don’t need to worry about a parent mysteriously disappearing. It may trigger sadness but that’s okay too. Scheduling some regular together time, like a parent/child date, will also help Zoe.

When you get home, take a photo of your child as they sleep so you can show them how you checked on them. They will love knowing that you were thinking of them and watching over them.

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale. Available wherever good books are sold, and also now available as an e-book.