Highs, lows and buffaloes: The power of a daily debrief

Some families make a regular habit of chatting through the day with their children, often at a set time like over a meal or just before bed. The whole family get to participate and it can become a wonderful time to share highlights and lowlights, and to practise great listening and sharing.

The idea of a ‘daily debrief’ actually has its roots in a spiritual ritual called the examen. The examen that was designed to help people discover what is bringing joy and contentment to their life, and what is worrying or challenging. Many people never really get the opportunity or the invitation to share their needs and desires and have others listen and care. This ritual provides an opportunity for this to take place.

While the ancient practice of examen may sound somewhat lofty to us today, it actually lands really well in modern family life and offers a profound opportunity for connection with our kids. And it’s been rebranded! You could refer to it as ‘The Daily News’ or ‘Highs and Lows’. I’ve even heard families call it ‘High, Low, Buffalo’ (whereby a ‘buffalo’ is a ‘wow’ moment or a random fact learnt that day). And of course you could also come up with something fresh and new that resonates with your family.

In essence, taking time to capture the highs and lows of the day helps us all – grown-ups and kids alike – get better at telling the truth about who we are and what we need. We learn to trust ourselves as we come to reflect on the day and how we felt during it. The practice helps us acknowledge that some days are harder than others, and that some pain or disappointment in life is an inevitable reality. For our kids, being able to share their trials and triumphs helps them accept challenges, grow in resilience and feel the care of others. When this is done in a setting of unconditional love, a secure base is formed for children to share and be cared for.

The daily ‘Highs and Lows’ ritual helps us remember that everyone has ups and downs – a day can be like a rollercoaster ride with wonder, joy, anxiety and disappointment all tumbled up together. For parents and caregivers, it can be incredibly helpful to hear more specifically about our children’s thoughts and feelings. It may give insight into something a child is really struggling with, or something they are especially delighted with. Children get an opportunity to unburden themselves in a safe context.

So how do we do this? Basically, at a time that works for your whānau, encourage every family member to share (uninterrupted, with everyone’s focus on them) a high point and low point of the day. You could also add some optional extras if you like, such as the ‘Buffalo’ random fun fact or surprising observation, or maybe you want to add ‘something that made you smile/laugh’ to the debrief.

Some kids may lean towards focussing on the negative – some of us are a bit more ‘glass half empty’ than others. That’s okay – the debrief is simply about creating space and listening. You don’t have to problem-solve every tricky thing that is brought up (although the debrief can spark great problem-solving discussions), you just need to listen and stay connected. As the daily ritual becomes a part of your family culture, you might find that your more ‘lowlight’ kiddos shift their emphasis to the highlights. Negative news does tend to get more attention in general in the world, but as we give both lowlights and highlights equal focus, that half-empty glass might shift to being half full.

The key is to keep the mood light and low pressure, to encourage everyone to engage, to listen to and focus on the person speaking, and to make the debrief a daily habit as part of your family’s routine – at a time that suits your whānau.

The questions provided below could be used to get you started – or you could find phrasing or words that work better for your whānau. You really just need two questions, framed in a way that draws out what was good about today and what wasn’t so good. As you will see, there are lots of ways of asking what is essentially the same question! Have a play and see what suits your people.

What was today’s high point? What was today’s low point?

What great thing happened today? What not-so-great thing happened?

What did you feel good about today? What was your biggest struggle today?

What are you most grateful for today? What are you least grateful for?

When did you feel the most alive today? When did you feel the most drained?

When did you feel most comfortable and ‘at home’ today? When did you feel uncomfortable?

When were you happiest today? When were you the saddest?