How to talk about: Death

Just a wee note up front: We’re not going to cover every facet of the topic in this article. Every person’s experience of death and grief is different, and we honour that.

We are not grief experts, but we write from personal experience of losing loved ones - children, partners, siblings, parents, friends - and supporting our kids through loss. Our hope is to offer some grounding thoughts and tools to help you navigate conversations with your kids about life (and death), whether you're facing loss now or preparing for honest discussions in the future.

Death’s something we like to keep at a distance. Something that happens to others. Old people. The unfortunate [cough]. Our parents’ generation. And probably to us too somewhere in the distance (but ugh, let’s not think about that!).

To be honest, we’ve avoided writing about it too, because it’s a massive, complex topic shaped by culture, upbringing and personality (and it feels super easy to say something wrong!).

The thing is, death doesn’t avoid anyone. A fair few of us are part of a club we never wanted to join. If you’ve loved and lost, we’re so sorry.

Figuring out what to say – to yourself and your kids – can feel overwhelming in those moments. Which is why we’re sharing some thoughts on what’s helped (and what hasn’t).

Human instinct tells us to run from pain, struggle and hard things. And when our kids are involved, to scoop them up and run even harder!

Whether your child blindsides you with a random question like "What’s going to happen when you die, Mum?", or your family’s in the midst of navigating the death of a loved one or a terminal diagnosis, side-stepping the topic may only add confusion for our kids. Avoidance can even make things more painful. It also sets the tone that death’s a topic that’s not okay to talk about.

Be gently honest. Find age-appropriate ways to respond, for example:

"I’m actually not sure how or when I’ll die… but I know it’s something that will happen for every person."

For younger kids, you could answer their question with something like: "What do you think happens when you die?" This allows you to get a scope of what they know, what they might have heard, or how worried they are about it. This will naturally lead to other questions.

For older kids, something like this might be more appropriate: "We never know when or how we’ll die, but it’s not something we need to live in fear of either." Acknowledge that things might be scary or painful (though not necessarily), that it’s hard for family and friends when people die, and that it is good and healthy to let those feelings out.

Or an approach like this might suit your child: "I feel really sad that Gran died – it also feels really unfair too. I know I’ll have to keep thinking it through. What do you miss most about Gran?"

Be okay with not having all the answers – and share that with your kids.

Our approach to death sets the tone for our whānau – the language we use, our openness to questions and the space we create for emotions. So as much as you can, aim for open and honest acknowledgement.

In the wake of a death in the family, we naturally get so caught up processing our own emotions and wading through a whole lot of difficult 'admin' that we might blank on actually talking things through with our kids – they simply absorb the atmosphere around them.

BE INTENTIONAL

Make space to check in individually, say at bedtime, or as you’re driving or walking together. Talking about loss and grief can feel awkward (especially if it’s the first time), but open the conversation and let it flow – you don’t need all the answers.

BE CURIOUS

Ask open ended questions… "How are you feeling about Grandad today?" And let them lead the convo, rather than inserting answers or offering suggestions to manage the feelings (that can come later).

On the other hand, your child may not want to talk about it, depending on their age and personality. That can be really hard if you're in the midst of feeling your feelings and wanting some camaraderie – but they will find their moments to express things at some point.

If their avoidance really does concern you, you could also try giving them the words. Offer tentative suggestions which may be a prompt for them to open up, eg. "Sometimes kids who have had a family member die can feel ____ (shocked/scared/lonely...)." And leave it there.

This approach is not too direct and gives a child the dignity of thinking about if that is relevant for them or not. Often it can open up the conversation or offer language to a child/young person. We need to remember that that may not happen in the moment too. Professional support, like play therapy, can also be a really helpful tool if needed. (See below for resources.)

We also need to add, it’s important that your child is not your primary download person for the way you’re feeling. Of course they’ll see some of it, however, keep in mind that kids are great observers but not great interpreters. It’s easy for them to worry about your big emotions (they probably haven’t seen you like that before), or the details of what happened. Be wary of downloading too much information or emotion on them. Touch on how you’re feeling - but don’t go into a deep dive like you would with a friend or counsellor. Find an adult to be your emotional point person.

And remember, feelings aren’t forever, they will change with time – remind your child of this along the way.

In an effort to soften the blow we call death 'passing away', 'losing a loved one', 'departing this life', 'going to a better place", and every other euphemism - ever.

"Grandad’s gone to a good place" sounds sweet enough in the moment. But what does that mean to a three-, four- or eight-year-old? Lollipops Playland? The beach? McDonald’s?

Sounds silly, but we’re serious. Unless we can articulate in some way what we mean with these allusions, we leave it to a kid’s imagination and often leave them in confusion.

Same goes for heaven. If that’s your place, then find some understanding of what that means to you (even if it’s figuring it out alongside your child). Kids love tangibles, things they have a frame of reference for, so it helps to provide snippets of what you believe and why.

We can all be grieving the same person, yet feel it totally differently, depending on age, stage, personality and proximity.

As adults we look for logical patterns to follow in our parenting – timelines, milestones, forward progress. But grief’s a different beast. While you might be feeling the loss of a loved one deeply, your kid might be stuck on the strange sandwich fillings at the funeral.

It might seem like they’re feeling nothing - even when someone as close as a parent or sibling has died. As their parent, you want to see them process grief, not just compartmentalise it. But we’d all do well to let any timelined expectations go.

Speaking from experience, watching my children process the loss of two sisters, they grieved very differently as individuals, and at the different ages they experienced each loss. One a talker, one not. One fearful, one not. One affected socially, one not. One who needed play therapy for more than a year, one not.

And then the rabbit died unexpectedly.

And all tears broke loose. A wave of deep emotion we weren’t quite expecting as parents. Wailing and anger. Tears and more tears. Conversation for weeks about their feelings and the shock… and, about their sisters. A little bunny the trigger for much reflection on what had gone on for them in the last five years.

Even when we can’t see the feelings, they’re often there… and will come out at some point. Grief will show up when and where it wants to - when you’re an adult and even more so when you’re a child!

By being intentional in talking about it and modelling how to feel and express, you’re helping pave the way for your kids to process their feelings well, at their own pace.

Death’s scary. Particularly if you’re watching on as a child and seeing the physical and emotional pain of your loved ones.

Lots of things can become triggers – places, people, smells, separation from you – and as parents we need to carefully tune in to what’s going on for our kids. Sometimes these fears won’t be obvious, but gently watch on and see what behaviours or experiences might be holding your child back.

If possible, help your child find ways to turn and face fears in a healthy way. For example, fear of hospital could start with visiting and having lunch at the café, making fresh memories separate to the sad experiences there.

Some kids can get quite fixated on death and thoughts around it, and might need some extra help through that. At the end of this article we've listed some ways to find extra help.

You lose many things when a person dies, but you also get the opportunity to create new traditions alongside your kids to remember your special people. It’s a beautiful way to connect as a whānau.

Bring your kids into the memory making – "What special thing could we do to celebrate Koro’s birthday this year?", ‘What’s one of your favourite recipes from Auntie? Let’s make it."

There are so many small but special ways to acknowledge our lost loved ones. Little things can mean a BIG deal to our kids, and they certainly don’t have to be expensive.

Teaching our kids to acknowledge the loss others feel is a really special gift too.

• Text a grieving friend on the anniversary of a death (or anytime)
• Add people’s grief dates to your calendar so you remember
• Drop off a meal or a special flower that reminds you of their person
• Text them a pic when you’re at their special place
• Mention their person’s name
• Ask them how they’re getting on (both practically and in their spirit – and don’t be afraid of their tears)

Let your kids in on what you’re doing and why. They’ll love being a creative part of it too.

If you’re in the midst of loss and grief, we strongly encourage you to carve out some time for yourself to grieve. We also know that this is much easier said than done! The pace of life leaves little time for good grief – especially for parents. There’s always a thing to do, a need to attend to, emotions of others to mop up – and the tyranny of the urgent can also mask our fear of feeling it all.

Unless you VERY intentionally make space to feel, process and think, it will not happen easily. And as we mentioned above, the feelings will come out at some point, perhaps not conveniently and most likely – not on your terms.

Allowing ourselves space to grieve models to our kids that our people are important, feeling and healing matter as much for parents as for kids, and it puts us in the best headspace to care for our kids too. Our wairua (spirit) is important. And we need to take ownership of that self-care in grief.

BUT HOW?

• Talk with a friend or partner and schedule time to be alone, if that’s what you need to process
• Read a book about grief that resonates, listen to other’s stories of loss through podcasts, follow grief pages on social media
• Walk or get coffee with a friend regularly, if they’re helpful in this time
• Set time to journal
• See a counsellor if you need to
• And just give yourself space to think!

There are so many ways to grieve and lots of resources available. The most important thing – but often the hardest thing – is making the time to actually feel those feelings.

Showing your kids that it's okay to feel is one of the greatest gifts you can give them in life, and also in death.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
Dr Earl A. Grollman

Here are some ways you can find help to work through loss and grief with your kids:

• Skylight – A trust supporting children, young people and their families in times of loss, trauma and grief. They offer books to buy and lend, plus downloadable resources.
• Kenzie’s Gift – A wonderful trust offering really thoughtful support packs, articles and counselling to children and young people going through tough things like the death of a parent, or terminal or life-limiting diagnoses.
• The Grief Centre – A fantastic online and in-person network of resources for adults navigating grief.
• Seasons for Growth - Local programmes to help children aged 6-12 years who have experienced loss of a significant person.

We also recommend these helpful books for younger ones, many of these can be borrowed from local libraries and the Skylight library.

• Grandad, by Janet Pereira
• I Don’t Like Wednesdays, by Linda Tuhiwai Smith
• This Is Not A Sad Book (But It’s Ok To Feel Sad), by Elizabeth Vercoe
• Badger’s Parting Gifts, by Susan Varley
• The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst
• Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between, by Robert Ingpen and Brian Mellonie
• Old Hu-Hu, by Kyle Mewburn