How to talk about: The reality of dad life

Sometimes, blokes don’t find it easy to talk about being a dad. In a culture that tells us that men should talk more about the 95′ world cup than their feelings, we can find it pretty hard to talk about the tougher stuff. Often the stuff that we don’t talk about is actually the stuff that matters the most.

The thing with being a dad is that it is one of the most (if not the most) significant thing you will ever do in your life. So, how do you talk about dad life with other dads?

There seem to be two unhelpful ways to talk about being a dad that follow all the male-normative socially constructed ideas about how to conduct yourself as a human being that has created offspring. In other words, the bro code for dads.

This dad presents himself as if parenting is a breeze. He never complains about any problems and if anything, he tends to brag a little bit.

Parenting isn’t actually a breeze for them. It’s the same gale force sou-wester with the odd clearing of sun that we all experience. They have the same struggles as the rest of us. They probably can’t get their youngest to go to bed on time. Their other kid won’t eat anything without tomato sauce. They also have growing concern about their eldest daughter’s obsession with Kevin Costner in the movie Dances With Wolves.

As I mentioned before – it’s a bit of a culture thing here in New Zealand. Blokes like to give the impression that they aren’t bothered by anything. That they don’t struggle with parenting, and that there is no issue that having a beer can’t fix. The problem with this approach is that it restricts their ability to have actual conversations about the actual challenges of being responsible for the little humans that they love heaps.

These are dads that present themselves as if they hate being a dad and they don’t really like their kids. They can never go out with the boys because of “the bloody kids”. Proudly, they admit that their parenting goal is to be like the dad from Home Alone. They want to be rich enough to go to Paris on holiday and uninvolved enough to forget the odd child every now and then.

I suspect that these dads are actually a lot more involved than they give themselves credit for. Some guys just like to underplay anything that might potentially involve them having emotions, relationships, or responsibilities. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t invite any conversation that might include emotions, relationships and responsibilities. Having spaces to talk about the significant aspects of dad life is one of the best ways to help navigate this whole being a dad thing.

How do you talk to dads about being a dad? Well, don’t present yourself as if you have no worries, and don’t present yourself as if you don’t care at all. Try the middle ground. Try being the ‘some problems’ dad. We can all relate to that.

• You – How’s it Kev?
• Other Dad – Not too shabby Gav. How’s the family?
• You – Pretty good mate, pretty good. It’s hard work sometimes, this dad thing aye?
• Other Dad – What d’ya mean?
• You – Sometimes I don’t know if I'm doing the right thing or not.
• Other Dad – I know what you mean mate.
• You – Look, I love my kids, but it’s tough this dad thing.
• Other Dad – Too right.

Now, you don’t have to use the word ‘shabby’, or ‘mate’. But we need to make an effort to connect with other dads about the shared realities of the dad life. It’s not just nice to know, it’s actually good for us to know that we are not the only ones who find it challenging sometimes. It’s important to remember that we aren’t alone.

Being vulnerable about dad life with other dads doesn’t mean that you have to start watering down your beer with lemonade or start referring to movies as ‘films’. In fact, some of the best mates that I have are the mates that I can talk about this stuff with. So be that type of mate, not only because it’s good for you, but it’s good for your mates too.