Keeping calm and coping with term four

The brief behind this article was how to create a calm and workable routine for term four, but – from where I sit – term four already has that snowball vibe, like we’re gaining momentum at a daunting pace and it might be easiest if we just hold on tight and ride it out till Christmas. However, since I get heart palpitations every time I walk past the family calendar at the moment, I reckon there could be some merit to a more considered approach.

There is no end to the opportunities and activities that our kids can participate in. And in term four, a lot of these activities end up competing for your diary space. Prizegivings, wind-ups, recitals, parties, graduations, leavers' dinners, concerts, BBQs... and don't forget to bring a plate to all of the above.

It a fun season, but it can also be very taxing. All these great things require energy, time, petrol and funding. I've certainly felt the pressure to be at everything at this time of year, usually with a plate of something homemade, nutritious and still delicious after a hot car journey. But, it's okay to push back on some of that pressure, especially if it's self-imposed. After all, ensuring schedules aren’t jam-packed is our responsibility as parents. Kids don’t always know what is best for them, and even us grown-ups can find ourselves saying "Yes, sounds fun - what can I bring?" to things that might not be in the best interests of our family’s well-being. It may take some practice, but "Sorry, we can't make it this time" is a perfectly acceptable alternative response.

For our teens, term four is a big deal. Many of them are facing exams and NCEA assessments. Stress can manifest in different ways. It can help to recognise what exam stress looks likes for your teen. Avoidance is common – watching YouTube instead of studying, for example. Over-reactions to the slightest irritation are another indicator. Stress could also look like withdrawal.

As parents, we need to look past the behaviour to the softer emotions that often sit just below the surface. Getting curious as to what might be going on for your child or teen is really helpful. They may be experiencing a fear of failing, as well as anxiety around a lack of time to study or feeling unprepared. Empathy is so powerful here. While we can’t do their study or sit the exams for them, we can remind them that we are always there, cheering them on from the sideline. And we can feed them. Food makes everything better.

Tricky as it is, we need to resist the temptation to lecture. Your teen has slept in again and there’s no time for both breakfast and the walk to the bus stop. Your impulses may tell you that this is a good moment for some ‘helpful tips’ on time management. What your teen would really benefit from, however, is a display of unconditional love and support. Probably by way of a ride to the bus. There is a time for learning via natural consequences, but term four is probably a time for grace.

I know, no one needs yet another thing to do at this time of year, but in all the busyness, it's easy for disconnection to sneak into family life. I remind myself of the power of the check-in - just a few minutes of our focused attention can mean the world to our kids. Some one-on-one time, five minutes chatting at bedtime, debriefing the school day over a spontaneous ice cream, gently digging a little deeper to see how a child is really feeling about an up-coming prizegiving or school graduation...

These are all powerful moments of connection that fill up our kids' emotional tanks. Connection can be especially valuable at this time of year to steady our young ones and help them feel seen in a season featuring a whole lot of comparison and competition. (Speaking of which, this article - High-fives all round: 7 ways to celebrate your kids is a helpful read, because not everyone gets a trophy in prizegiving season and that in itself can be tough...)

Some stress and big feelings are inevitable as we power towards the end of the year. A tool we talk about at Parenting Place is Pause, Reflect, Engage. Basically the aim is to pause for a few deep breaths when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Reflect for a few moments, instead of reacting, and ask yourself why you might be feeling the way you are. Once calm, your clever brain is better equipped to engage some good ideas for addressing whatever issue you’re facing.

When I’m busy and my day/week is overscheduled, I tend to feel anxious about getting everything done. Within my lovely whānau, this can look like some unlovely irritation and shoutyness on my part. When I pause, I give myself a moment to think about what’s really going on behind the rising heart rate. Not only do my feelings then make more sense, but I also have better ideas on how to cope. It’s not an instant fix, because commitments often still need working out, but it is a catalyst for some healthier decision-making around what we take on as a family, and what we say "No thanks" to.

Term four is always a busy one. At times it might feel a bit overwhelming for parents and kids alike. Taking a moment to Pause, Reflect and Engage when confronted with big feelings can help us maintain perspective and feel more in control … before the season really gets silly.