Leading with calm: Why saying less does more

Actions speak louder than words, which can be tough for parents because we like using words – a lot of words at times!

But what might it look like to stay connected, act early, say very little and let your actions do the talking?

Picture this:

8- year-old Leo is kicking the back of your seat as you drive. It starts gently but gets more forceful. Leo knows you don’t like it, you’ve told him many times that it is distracting and dangerous. He’s got all the information, but he has not changed his behaviour.

It’s time for action. Not big handed or rushed. Not a lecture – that hasn’t worked so far.

You find a safe place to stop the car. Leo wants to know why.

“The car is not going any further while the seat is being kicked. I can drive again when it’s safe.”

Notice there is no fuss, nor a particular accusation towards Leo. Not many words, warnings or explanations. Leo puts up his defence – it's not kicking, he says, just pushing. You are not rising to this fight either.

“Let me know when we are ready to go again.”

Leo says he’s ready and you drive on.

This might happen three or four times. Leo is checking out your new approach. He might not show it, but the quiet steady action helps him feel secure. There’s no shame or blame to push back against. Your calm strength helps him feel safe.

Your relationship is fine. Leo is learning that you will act without lots of warnings, lectures or fuss.

Parents are generous, giving their children every possible chance to understand what needs to happen and why. They will often find new ways to explain the same thing. There is a loving heart in all of this – waiting, hoping and accommodating.

What often happens, however, is that a child picks up on the dance steps. Because they’re young, they don’t have access to the logic a parent has. Kids won’t naturally see things the way we do. Rather than appreciating their parent’s generosity and patience, they focus in on the room they've got to move.

It’s hard not to yell or get really frustrated when a child ignores you or argues. I encourage parents to act early – before frustration sets in and things get reactive.

Try moving things to where you want them to be well before you get angry or frustrated. Take calm steps towards your goal. Don’t wait for adrenalin to get you there, but back yourself knowing that children respond to our confidence and calm.

Your little one doesn’t want their jacket on. It’s really cold outside but they want to wear a T-shirt and their pink shorts.

You’ve been in this position a lot lately. Sometimes it seems reasonable to adjust and let them have their wish. Another cracker is fine, one more story is okay, some bubbles in the bath seem like fun and why not say yes to the favourite song being sung again.

The jacket situation feels different though. You’re in charge of your child’s safety and wellbeing. Appropriate clothing falls into the area of taking the lead and relying on your wisdom and experience.

So you take up your leadership position – you're the steady conductor. You are not offering six choices of jacket and jumper. You're not pleading or negotiating. You are tempted to offer an incentive like a treat, but that technique has become too popular recently and feels like it undermines your steadiness.

“When the jacket is on, we can go outside in the cold and wind. We love it when we get a bit blown about.”

Your little one is very unhappy with this call. That makes sense too.

You calmly stay the course – “Let me know when it’s jacket time” is about all you say.

You may not see the jacket on that day. You may miss the outing. That’s okay because you have remained the steady conductor and your little one is learning that your words are true and trustworthy.

And you have compassion. It’s sad not to go out – and you can bend towards that and offer sympathy and connection.

“You’re sad that we didn‘t go out today. It was too cold to go outside without a jacket.”

You have not blamed them or shamed them. Just the facts.

Your little one is learning and your firmness and tenderness are what make that learning possible.

You’ve arrived at the school gate for pick-up. Your 6-year-old daughter Tamsin wants a playdate and is demanding her friend Milly come home with her right now! The girls have conspired and feel like quite a force. Today’s not going to work though, and besides – you have a family rule that playdates are pre-organised. You’re tempted to argue your case and even consider using the ‘plead and bribe’ technique to just get Tamsin in the car and farewelling her little friend.

However, you’re weaning yourself off parenting bribes as they weaken your strong and sturdy position.

You step in with a bit more confidence than you feel.

“A playdate with Milly won’t work today. I know this is hard. We need to find another day that will suit all of us.”

There’s some wailing but you offer a cuddle. The cuddle is refused but you let Tamsin know it’s available if she changes her mind.

You walk towards the car – Tamsin isn’t following you. You pause, but don’t look at her or say anything. She needs to save face. Eventually she plods in your direction and you get to the car silently.

There are many words you'd like to use but you're finding it more helpful to say very little.

Once in the car you move on to other things, like options for afternoon tea and what you did that day.

We’re creatures of habit, and I regularly see common parental habits that trip families up. Growling, shouting, long lectures, annoyed reminders, threats. And of course the temptation to resort to bribery. These things may get the response we need in the moment, but they’re not effective in the long term.

A great alternative approach is Act Early, Say Less. This gets the job done while keeping the atmosphere sweet. So, dear parents, I encourage you to give this a try: stay connected, act early, say very little and let your actions do the talking.