My child won't go to therapy. Now what?

As parents, our hope is that our kids will come to us if something is bothering them. We work towards this in the everyday moments - in every chat we have with them, every time we ask about their day or check in on how they're feeling about things. We try to convey a sense that "we can work this out together".

But sometimes despite our best efforts it can be hard to get a young person to open up about their feelings. If this sounds familiar, we encourage you to come along to Parent Coaching. We can support you to build skills to make these conversations easier – skills every parent can benefit from.

There will also be times when your child or teen needs more support than you can provide as a parent or caregiver. In these situations, getting the right specialist support 'early' can make a real difference. In fact, early intervention is valuable across all areas of life, right? Whether it’s dental pain, difficulty with Year 12 Chemistry or persistent emotional distress, it’s usually better to seek help sooner rather than later!

Normalising the idea that we all need a little help sometimes is a gift you can give your kids. Model it for them by talking about times you’ve reached out for extra support, and let them see you asking others for help – whether that’s seeing a physio for a sore shoulder, calling on someone with the right tools for a carpentry job, or asking your mum for tips on cooking the perfect roast lamb!

It’s really common for parents to find that their child doesn’t want to talk to a therapist or counsellor. There can be lots of reasons for this resistance but some of the most common ones include:

• The child imagines it would feel weird talking to a stranger about personal stuff
• They feel quite insulted by the idea – as if you are suggesting there is something really 'wrong' with them
• The child is embarrassed to be 'seen' going to the guidance counsellor at school
• They feel like they have too much on and the thought of adding another commitment into their already busy week feels overwhelming
• The child has the impression that this is going to be a permanent arrangement; that they'll need to see this counsellor or therapist every week - until the end of time!

If you're coming up against any of these common roadblocks, here are some ideas for what might help:

Keep in mind, it is the 'idea' that they are resisting. They don’t know what counselling (or the counsellor) is like yet, but it is fair enough that the ‘unknown’ of talking to a stranger about how they are feeling might seem weird. They even might tell you that you that it will be a "waste of your money" because they won’t even get out of the car. Remember, this is their initial reaction.

We encourage you to think about the timing of talking to your child. Chat about the idea with them when they are calm, not when they are in the middle of an emotional storm. You may need to give them a bit of time to get used to the idea. Don’t expect immediate agreement. Gently raise the idea a few times and be prepared to listen to their concerns.

Language matters. Your young person may be very sensitive to suggestions that there is something ‘wrong’ with them. Use tentative language like: “It seems like you are struggling at the moment” or “It seems like you are having a difficult time”. “I really want to make sure we are helping you in the best way. This is going to give you more support with your coping skills”.

They don't have to give up their Thursday afternoons forever. Say something like: “Let’s agree we’ll do three sessions, and then we’ll talk about the best way forwards.” Or, “After three sessions, we’ll talk about next steps.” (The initial commitment needs to be long enough to give the therapist a chance to start to build a relationship with your child, however the idea of a long-term commitment may well be making your child more resistant).

Be resolute and firm in your decision to get them some extra help if you believe that's what's best for them. This is your decision as the parent and you may be seeking support from a professional because you feel out of depth 'yourself' to help your child.

It’s completely understandable if you’ve lost some confidence in your ability to get your child on board. When things have been difficult in your relationship previously, it can be hard to imagine convincing them to do something they really don’t want to do – even when you know it’s in their best interests.

It can help to think back to a time when you successfully helped your child do something they were initially reluctant to do. Perhaps there was a time when your child had a high fever in the middle of the night and they were crying and insisting that they didn't want to take any medicine? Sometimes it is necessary to make a decision in their best interests when they’re not yet able to make that decision for themselves.

Alongside your firmness, it can be very helpful to present them with a few options. A bit of choice can help a young person feel like their preferences are being heard. You might say: “Hey Maria we have decided to take you along to a counsellor to talk about your struggles with how angry you are getting. Do you think you would like to see a counsellor at school or outside of school?”

Other decision points you could offer:

- “Would you relate more to this older counsellor or this younger one?”

- “I know you are not sure if counselling is the right thing, but if you had to choose, would you prefer a counsellor online or in-person?”

- “Would it be more convenient for you to see someone in the school holidays or in the term time?”

As parents, we can be anxious that our young person will waste our money and refuse to talk to the therapist. It is certainly true that a child or young person can be pretty resistant.

Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist Jayne Pollock offers some sound advice here:

“Sometimes the hardest part is simply getting a young person through the door. If you can help your child or young person take that first step, you don’t need to worry about whether they will immediately engage or whether they will like the idea of therapy. Therapists have many skills to build a trusting relationship with a young person, even when they are initially reluctant to be there. Once that relationship starts to develop, the therapist can help the young person feel heard, understood and safe, and support them to begin to understand for themselves how therapy might help. Getting them there is sometimes the parent’s job - building the therapeutic relationship and helping them engage is the therapist's.”

It can be hard to know what type of support is needed. Sometimes parents benefit most from learning new strategies themselves, while at other times a child may need direct therapeutic support.

Parent coaching might be a good first step if:

• You're struggling with behaviours such as defiance, tantrums, aggression, sibling conflict or not listening.
• You feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to respond effectively.
• Challenges are mainly occurring at home rather than across multiple settings.
• You and your partner would like more consistency in your parenting approach.
• Family life feels dominated by conflict, power struggles or recurring behavioural issues.
• You want practical tools and strategies to create positive change at home.
• Your child uses alarming language or says extreme things when they are upset.
• You feel disconnected from your child and would like support to strengthen your relationship and rebuild connection.

Child or youth therapy might be helpful if:

• Your child is experiencing ongoing emotional distress, anxiety, low mood or signs of depression.
• Significant changes in mood, behaviour, sleep, motivation, friendships or school performance persist for two weeks or more.
• Difficulties are occurring across multiple settings, such as home, school and friendships.
• Your child continues to struggle despite consistent parenting support.
• There are concerns about self-esteem, emotional regulation or mental health.
• Your child has experienced trauma, abuse, bullying, grief or significant life changes.
• Your young person expresses thoughts of self-harm, suicide or hopelessness. Immediate professional support should be sought in these situations.

Family therapy might be beneficial if:

• A child's emotional, behavioural or relationship difficulties are affecting the whole family.
• Communication within the family has become difficult or strained.
• Family relationships need strengthening or repair.
• Parents would like support to develop consistent approaches and work together more effectively.
• The family wants to create a more supportive environment that promotes positive change and wellbeing.

Our advice is not to delay seeking support. Early intervention can help prevent difficulties from becoming more entrenched and gives children, young people, and families the best opportunity to thrive.