Parenting styles and the one you want to aim for

There are certainly many different approaches to parenting. How we parent is influenced by lots of things, including our values, personality, culture and the way we ourselves were parented. One thing that’s noticeable from even just a few minutes of peering into the lives of others is that there are strengths and weaknesses to most approaches to parenting.

At Parenting Place, we’ve looked at parenting from lots of different angles and keep coming back to one style that’s a clear winner. (Not that real-life parenting is a competition, of course!) We call it the Parent Coach style, and when it comes to producing secure, confident and capable children, it reigns supreme. But before we dive into what’s great about the Parent Coach approach, let's discuss some alternatives:

Sometimes we can get ourselves into a mode of parenting that features lots of rules, not many reasons for the rules, and very little emotional connection. If this type of parent was a robot, they’d have their Rules and Structure setting turned up to max, and their Warmth and Connection setting turned right down low. If we were to give this parenting style a label, it would be Sergeant Major. In more academic circles, this style is known as Authoritarian.

You can probably picture it – a household and family organised and managed with military precision. The kids might appear compliant and will likely be very good at making their beds and sitting down to do their homework, but they don’t often feel like their parents listen to them or take time to empathise with their feelings. These parents love their children, but may struggle to show affection. They may believe that the best way to love their children is to drive them to succeed in the world. Alternatively, these parents may feel uncomfortable with showing affection themselves, or worry that being flexible with standards will make their kids ‘too soft.’

Flip the switch and you get a parent who is big on connection and acceptance, but who doesn’t assert authority, being either unable or unwilling to set boundaries. They may make some rules but fail to enforce them, or they may intentionally not make any rules at all. The technical term for this style of parenting is Permissive; in our Toolbox courses these folks are affectionately known as Jellyfish.

There can be lots of reasons why parents take this approach. Perhaps it’s because they feel too uncomfortable seeing their children upset. Or maybe it’s an intentional choice not to limit their child because of a belief that unfettered freedom of expression is the best thing for children. It could be an over-correction by a parent who had a strict, disapproving upbringing themselves, and now wants to give their offspring the childhood they didn’t have, rich in freedom and warmth.

One thing that’s clear about these parents is their commitment and dedication to demonstrating their love to their kids. Unfortunately, they can miss the mark in helping their children learn the essential life skills of discipline, emotion regulation and dealing with disappointment.

Then there is the parenting style that disregards both dials and offers very little in the way of either connection or rules. The Absent or 'Uninvolved' parent is preoccupied with their own stuff and likely to hand their kids some sort of digital babysitter and point them in the direction of the fridge.

While these parents generally make sure their kids have their basic needs met, they’re not especially involved in their child’s world. They expect their child to be independent from a young age, making decisions and managing their emotions without much in the way of parental input.

Aspects of this style might sound a tad familiar - from time to time we can all go a bit M.I.A. Raising kids is a big responsibility and requires huge amounts of energy - all while most of us are juggling other responsibilities and workloads at the same time. But when 'Absent' becomes a pattern and kids don’t feel confident that their parents are willing to make sacrifices for them, or that they're even interested in their lives, then this parenting approach can have a detrimental effect on children.

If you recognise yourself as slipping into this style, then you’ve already taken the first proactive step by checking out this article. When you know a little more about what kind of parent you want to be, and why you want to do the hard work of parenting in a more involved way, then you can start to problem-solve your way around whatever it is that’s getting between you and your kids.

So, with Sergeant Major, Jellyfish and good old Absent shining a spotlight on typical parenting weaknesses, it’s our friend Parent Coach who inspires us to play to our strengths. With a few tweaks to the dials, we can find the right balance between connection and correction. And here we find the Parent Coach, who treats their kids with love and respect, while also expecting them to take some responsibility for their actions.

The Parent Coach style has evidence-based theory behind it, as well as a technical name – Authoritative Parenting. Simply put, authoritative parenting values connection but doesn’t shy away from boundaries and authority. In this parenting style, caregivers are nurturing, supportive and responsive, yet willing and able to consistently set firm limits for their kids.

There are two key ingredients in parenting: responsiveness (parental warmth, acceptance, involvement, care, awareness, support) and demandingness (parental control, supervision, maturity demands, structure). While other parenting styles (like those mentioned earlier) can get these ingredients out of balance, or leave them out of the mix altogether, authoritative parenting gets the levels just right for both responsiveness and demandingness.

And the proof is in the pudding – studies have shown that children raised by authoritative parents have better outcomes in the areas of self-esteem, emotional well-being, relationships, positive behaviour and academic success.

Thinking about the attributes of a good sports coach can help inspire us in our parenting. What does a good coach do if a player lacks a skill? How do they handle a player who has made a mistake? How does a coach encourage the whole team and build a positive team atmosphere?

A Parent Coach (harnessing the skills and strengths championed by authoritative and autonomy-supportive parenting) draws out the best in their kids by providing them with clear rules and expectations while maintaining a consistent atmosphere where logical consequences are followed through on. Unlike the Sergeant Major style, however, a Parent Coach does all this while prioritising love and connection so kids feel valued, appreciated, understood and cared for. Parent Coaches are great cheerleaders, calling out the gold in their kids and relentlessly encouraging them to do their best.

Sounds ideal, right! Almost too ideal, but the good news is no coach needs to be perfect, and neither does a parent. In fact, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Good enough is good enough!

This overview of parenting styles is helpful in that it encourages us in what to aim for. None of us will get it right all the time, but it’s nice to know that with some simple tweaking of the dials, we’ve got the power to change the atmosphere, re-evaluate our priorities and coach our kids to thrive. Plus hand out half-time oranges and wash endless loads of sports socks. Oh yes, a coach’s work is never done.

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behaviour. Child Development, 37, 887-907.