In our role as parents, the words we use carry a lot of meaning. They can invite a child to join in and cooperate, or they can provoke resistance - often unnecessarily. But it’s not just what we say, it’s how we say it too. Our tone of voice can also significantly influence the atmosphere in our homes.
Peace talks: How our words can reduce power struggles
More than words
Children love to feel that they can control some things – and yes, some kids are quite keen to control everything! With a careful choice of phrasing, we can offer children opportunities to think for themselves, rather than always simply telling them what they can and cannot do. Our kids benefit hugely from hearing an invitation to contribute, rather than endless instructions and commands.
With the words we use, we can honour our children’s innate desire to make choices and have a good measure of autonomy. Our tone and words carry within them our positive expectation that we believe our kids are inherently good, capable and able to solve problems.
Our tone and words carry within them our positive expectation that we believe our kids are inherently good, capable and able to solve problems.
‘Yes’ says so much
Saying ‘No’ to our kids can become a bit of a habit. It’s a tempting response – I get it – especially when we’re under pressure, the requests have been relentless, and what’s being asked of us doesn’t match up with our game plan. But, ideally we reserve ‘No’ for when we really need it and mean it – for non-negotiables, especially issues relating to safety.
So, before we let another ‘No’ roll off the tongue, let’s pause to consider a ‘Yes’ reframe.
Saying yes is much more than just agreeing to what a child wants. ‘Yes’ doesn’t necessarily mean indulgence, it can actually be a really empowering parenting posture.
Saying yes is opening the door for our children to feel we believe in them, we are happy for mistakes to be made, and we are acting in a way that encourages their brain to be receptive instead of reactive. Our children will want to be more curious and less defensive when they feel we are on the same team. (For more on this, we highly recommend The Yes Brain, by Dan Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson).
Word choice has the power to turn tension into engagement.
A simple reframe
A simple reframe in how we respond to our kids can make a huge difference. Here are a few examples of how word choice has the power to turn tension into engagement.
Your child wants to turn TV on as soon as they get home from school...
“No, there is no TV until I have your lunch box and you have changed out of your uniform.”
OR...
“TV sounds like a great idea. Let’s turn it on as soon as you have popped your lunch box on the counter and got into your home clothes.”
Your child has the habit of asking for a playdate at the school gates...
“How many times have I told you not to ask me on the spot. The answer is no.”
OR...
“We can make a plan for this to happen. When we get home, you can get the calendar out and we can work out the best day that suits everyone.”
Your teenager wants to go to a party of a friend you do not know and there is limited information...
“There’s no way you can go to a party when we don’t even know who these people are. I can’t agree to this.”
OR...
“Honey, I’ll have a think about this. Remember what we need to know first and when you have that information, let’s discuss it further.”
You put your preschool daughter to bed ten minutes ago but she's already popped out four times.
“If you get out of bed again, there will not be any stories tomorrow night. This is my last warning.”
OR...
“Goodnight sweetheart. Stay in your cosy bed. I will come back in five minutes to see you and give you another kiss.”
Your child has had two biscuits and wants another one...
“No, and don’t ask me again. Just be grateful that you’ve had two already!”
OR...
“They are delicious, and I get how you’d like to have another one. Two biscuits is our limit today.”
Your son wants dessert but has not eaten much of his dinner...
“Definitely not! You haven’t eaten your dinner so you won't be having any dessert.”
OR...
“Yes, dessert is there when you have eaten your dinner. If you have finished, you may get down.”
We can frame our words and our tone to avoid being bossy and growly, and to side-step a stand-off.
The beauty of ‘Yes’ over ‘No’ is that we can frame our words and adjust our tone to avoid being bossy and growly, and to side-step a stand-off. Give it a go next time you’re faced with a potentially tense parenting moment. Take a deep breath, find yourself some calm and remember the power of a positive reframe.
