Three ways to soothe struggles between siblings

Whenever a child feels a scarcity of any resource - be it time, attention, property, love or focus - there will be a scramble to get it in whatever way works. Children also have an immature concept of justice, and from where they sit, they see plenty to complain about. There will be arguments over who got to the car first, who squeezed in more bubble bath mixture or who has been breathing too loudly. Kids are also more niggly with one another when their tanks are empty - too little sleep, not enough food or having too much on the go. And who do they take it out on? Those closest to them...

There is a normal side to your children having disagreements, being bossy, snatching, hoarding, sulking and getting moody. Most children with siblings will fight – relationships mean there will be conflict. The good news is that children can learn – little by little – to get on, to give and take, to be generous and kind and to forgive.

A kind, loving and generous family culture takes time and energy to establish. It will also take lots of modelling and teaching from parents, and a tonne of patience too!

Here are three tools I often recommend to parents who are hoping to ease the squabbling, while also fostering connection, cooperation and a deep sense of team in their family.

Start with an empty jar and as a family team, work our two or three things that would be good to focus on. It helps if you write them on the jar. It could be that your family wants to work on kind words, great sharing, playing fairly, patient waiting or lovely manners…

When any of these positive behaviours are noticed, a parent puts a marble (a pebble from the driveway would do) in the jar. A child might mention a sibling’s marble-worthy efforts too.

When the jar is full, it’s time for a wonderful team celebration. Perhaps a candlelit dinner followed by ice creams, an afternoon of favourite family games, baking (and eating!) a cake together or a movie and popcorn night. The key is that everyone gets to participate and share in the celebration.

At some point each day, everyone needs a little bit of time and space on their own. Kids don't all have to have their own bedrooms for this to be achieved either. Try encouraging some regular 'alone time' for 20 minutes or so and build it into your family's daily rhythm. Let your kids choose from options such as lying on their bed, in a blanket hut in the lounge, outside under a tree or on the trampoline.

At first 'alone time' may not be appealing to kids (I'm sure any adults at home won't need convincing!), but persevere as it will provide everyone with a much-needed break and a time to recharge. This is also a great moment to be screen-free and lean on some good old fashioned books for a change in pace and activity.

This one takes a bit of practise so keep in mind that you are playing the long game – you’re setting your children up with valuable life-skills, including assertiveness, respectfulness and the art of negotiation. These communication skills will serve them well in all of their relationships.

Children will often fall into the habit of moaning about an injustice or taking a bossy stance to get what they want. Help your children work out what it is exactly they would like, and how they can phrase their request more constructively and respectfully.

For example, instead of a child saying to a sibling “Get out of my room, you idiot!”, you help them work out what it is they want. This statement could be rephrased more respectfully as: “I would like you to leave my room so I can be on my own.”

Keep it simple by reminding your child that ‘I would like’ statements are a helpful starting point for respectful communication.

*“I would like…. you to share your felts / give me back my Lego / look at my model plane but not touch it …”

Relationships are important and learning how to get on with each other is a worthy journey. Having your children like and love one another – now, and as adults – is not an impossible dream. A great bond between siblings is a wonderful investment. It will just take time, patience and some humour along the way.

Sibling rivalry sometimes has deeper underlying reasons. If you’d like some personalised one-on-one support for your family, click here to book a session with one of our parent coaches.