How can I get my child to cooperate?

Voice boxes are wonderful things, but we tend to overuse them as parents. We like to use a lot of words, we repeat ourselves, we nag, we get loud. But does any of this actually help us gain the cooperation we’re so keen on from our kids? Not really.

We start off patient. We have asked a child - ever so nicely - to get their sweatshirt/ brush their teeth/put on sunscreen/unpack their lunch box/pick up their towel (insert here whatever sounds familiar at your place…)

Said child doesn’t even register that you’re talking to them. They’ve tuned you out and continue reading their book/watching something on their iPad/playing with Lego/messaging their friends (insert here whatever sounds familiar at your place!)

Gah! We don’t want to get cross, but this is a universally frustrating situation… Why won’t our kids just listen and do what we ask? Let’s troubleshoot what might be going on.

Here are a few common issues:

1.) Calling out to our children from another room or while we are distracted doing another task really doesn’t work.

You may be dashing off a work email/making the school lunches/putting on your make-up (you get it… insert here whatever feels relevant!) while at the same time calling to your child to get dressed and pack their togs. Kids are smart. They’ve done the maths and have figured out that you’re not seriously focused on them yet, so they still have some wriggle room.

2.) Children don’t like having an abrupt interruption from something they are enjoying.

Neither do you and I, come to think of it! It’s thoughtful and considerate to give kids a heads up that in five minutes we need them to transition to doing something else.

I had it explained to me this way: I’m in my favourite café drinking my long black. If the waiter suddenly comes over, lifts the cup out of my hands and says "We're closing now", I would feel a bit frustrated and annoyed. However, if the waiter comes over and says “We’re closing in five minutes, please finish up your coffee”, I would be much more cooperative.

3.) You have inadvertently got into a pattern where you repeat yourself, repeat yourself, repeat yourself – and then get cross.

No one enjoys being ignored. No one enjoys having to bring the energy of anger to feel effective as a parent. No one enjoys yelling or being yelled at. But you feel a bit powerless – what else works?

Good question!

Here's a simple strategy that can help produce responsive children – and calm parents!

1.) Give a FIVE-MINUTE WARNING if your request or instructions are interrupting something your kids love doing.

2.) When five minutes are up, GET UP CLOSE to your child. Join them in the same room and position yourself at their eye level.

3.) Make EYE CONTACT. Use their name to ask them to look at you.

4.) CALMLY and FIRMLY tell them your instruction.

5.) Use an USHERING ARM to guide them to move.

Let’s discuss the wondrous ushering (or shepherding) arm. What exactly do I mean by this? I’m certainly not referring to anything forceful. Rather, a gentle hand on your child’s shoulder or elbow, directing them towards movement and action. With an ‘ushering arm’ movement, you are using your body language to communicate that you mean for your child to do what you’re asking of them, and to do it now. Wiggle room is over and out.

Children often feel resistant to getting started with a task. Think ‘initial inertia’. But with the help of your presence, your kind, firm and calm instructions, and your gentle ushering arm, they’ll get the message. And once they start moving, they usually skip (stomp!?) off and do what you’ve asked them to do under their own steam.