Who rules the roost?

Life is full, so it’s understandable that we accommodate the demands of our kids from time to time in order to keep the peace and make parenting easier. We admire our little ones’ growing independence, even when they’re a bit feisty, and we let them take the lead. All well in theory, but in practice? Well, there’s a very real chance that we can actually make parenting harder.

When you have preschoolers, it’s important to notice how often you step aside and accommodate what your child is asking for or insisting on. There’s room for some flexibility here, but if we’re not careful the balance can tip and we find ourselves obliging a little person’s every demand. While they may not seem like big things, the accommodations accumulate. All while our kids are witnessing our responses – and interpreting our adjustments and concessions as discomfort around their big feelings.

You make your child honey toast. That’s what they asked for but now they want peanut butter toast. You’re not happy but you make another piece of toast, this time with peanut butter.

You sit at the table. They don’t like where you sit and tell you to move. So, you do.

You’re driving to the supermarket. They want their music – not just some of the time but all the time. So, you go with that.

You're grocery shopping. They want to choose the biscuits. That’s okay. They want more than one packet. You don’t want a scene so in go two packets.

You get to the car first. They wanted to be first. You are told to go back and start again. So you do, and you let them get to the car in first position.

Dinner is ready at the table, but they prefer to eat in front of TV. It doesn’t seem worth the battle, so TV dinner it is.

You put them to bed. Two stories are the routine. Every night is a negotiation. Most nights it's six or so books.

It is normal for a child to push to be the leader. Their personhood is emerging and they’re keen to have some agency and control. Our job as parents is to find ways for our children to do this without letting them take the leadership role. For example, allowing your child choices between a limited number of options can help them appropriately flex those agency muscles.

• Blue sweatshirt or green one today?

• Apple or pear for morning tea?

• Bubbles in the bath tonight, or plastic funnels and cups?

However, it’s important the grown-ups remain the leaders in the family. This may mean your child has to feel big feelings, like disappointment or frustration, when you set the limit and keep to it. Our job is to allow for those big feelings but not be persuaded by them. Holding a boundary certainly isn’t easy, and it’s natural for children to be unhappy or mad about the change. My encouragement is be patient. Your child will find the certainty in your resolve very comforting.

We also need to keep in mind that our children are wired to pursue connection with us, and that desire may be lying just beneath the surface of their demands. Perhaps it’s been a kindy day and your child has been away from you for hours. They’ve had fun, but the day has been big. It is likely that their emotions are very near the surface and their requests are not given as nicely as you would like.

In a moment like this, a child’s real need is for connection and soothing. There are many ways parents can show up for this. Maybe these responses seem like indulgences, but if we can see them through the lens of connection – we can be more fully there for our child.

For example:

Your child is perfectly capable of walking to the car after daycare, but today they want a lift. Carry them and make it fun by galloping and pretending you are a horse.

Here comes the grizzling as you prepare dinner. You’re tempted to put your child in front of a screen. Their primary need right now is connection, so instead you cuddle up on the couch with a book for five minutes and read them a story. Or you drag over a chair so they can be close to you at the kitchen bench.

Your child is hungry and tired. They want you to feed them. They’re capable, but tonight you provide a few fun JetStar spoon flights to keep the mood light.

You’re out walking. Your child can usually run, skip and hop the distance, but not today. Maybe you pause and sit with them. You offer your hand or maybe a piggyback ride. Today is just one of those days when they need more help.

It’s bedroom tidy time. Not a favourite but you are keen to get your kids contributing. So, you make a plan – you'll make the bed while they pick up the clothes. Then you will put away the toys and they will collect up the books. Not every time – but this time.

It’s subtle, but there’s a difference between accommodating and connecting. That’s why curiosity is such a handy parenting tool. Pausing to ask yourself what might be going on for a child beneath the surface can help you decide how to respond to their demands.

And I encourage parents to have regular check-ins on the leadership status in the home. Are the accommodations accumulating? Is the balance of power tipping? How’s the level of connection feeling? And are there some ways you could allow your child more agency, without letting them rule the roost!