Why won't my child just go to sleep?

Oh, that all too familiar bedtime dance between exhausted parents desperate for some downtime and overtired kids determined to stay awake...

Silliness and over-excitement. Requests for one more story, one more cuddle, one more sip of water. Kids who have forgotten to tell us something vitally important; who have suddenly remembered they must say goodnight to the cat; who are coming out to the lounge to check where we are. Kids who are suddenly scared of the dark and want us to stay close… A familiar scene at your place perhaps?

Children ‘playing up’ at bedtime is common, and it can understandably create a lot of angst for weary parents who can’t wait for their little darlings to Go. To. Sleep.

In my role as a Parent Coach, I speak with many parents who feel tense about the nightly circus of getting children to bed. It can impact on everyone’s wellbeing. Children may not be getting enough sleep, and parents can feel on edge, even dreading how bedtime will unfold each evening.

So, what are bedtime struggles really about? Why are they so common? And what actually helps?

Let’s look at a few key ideas that can help bring more calm and confidence to this part of the day.

Children are often seeking closeness at the end of the day. Rather than trying to delay sleep or disrupt your evening, much of their behaviour is about wanting connection.

• “I forgot to tell you something!” “I have a question!” These intriguing statements keep you standing there a few more minutes.

• “Just one more story!” “Just one more cuddle!” “Scratch my back!” “I am scared - stay with me!” These requests keep you close.

• “I need to say goodnight to the cat.” “What are you watching on Netflix?” “I just need a drink of water.” Repeatedly hopping out of bed is often about wanting to be where you are.

Having this understanding can be a game changer, moving us from frustration to kindness and empathy.

The key to bedtime actually starts long before we’re tucking kids in. Many children come into the evening feeling a bit hungry for connection. This is not about blame – families are busy and parents are juggling work, responsibilities and daily demands. Time for unrushed connection moments can be hard to come by. However, if children have had meaningful moments of connection during the day, they often arrive at bedtime feeling more settled and less ‘needy’.

A simple idea that can make a big difference is one or two short intentional connection moments earlier in the day. Even five minutes of undivided attention can help. I often suggest to parents to put the microwave timer on for five minutes. Sit with your child, cuddle, chat about their day and be fully present. This could be in the morning before their day even starts, or when they get home in the afternoon.

It may feel small, but it helps fill their ‘connection tank’ before bedtime.

Bedtime itself is another important opportunity for connection. Studies suggest that when parents are emotionally available around bedtime, children feel safer and more secure, which can support more settled sleep.

What does being ‘emotionally available’ at bedtime look like?

• Putting ALL phones and tablets away in another room

• Spending around 20 minutes giving your child your full attention

• Offering plenty of physical affection, such as cuddles, handholding or hair stroking

This doesn’t need to be complicated. Reading together, doing a puzzle or even a quiet chat while you sit on the bed can be enough. The key is that your child feels they have your full focus.

A predictable bedtime routine is one of the most helpful tools we have. Children do best when they go to bed at a similar time every night. They can look very energetic as their bedtime nears, but don't be fooled – this is often a sign of over-tiredness.

Doing the same steps in the same order each night reduces uncertainty and lowers resistance. A chart to work through can be helpful for parents and children alike. It keeps us focused and consistent, and children know what to expect.

A word of caution – I often see routines that have grown more complicated over time, especially when children protest and push for more. Before long, the routine becomes drawn out and difficult to manage.

Keeping things simple is more effective:

• Reading to your child (two short stories or one chapter)
• A warm, close cuddle
• A consistent final step such as a quiet goodnight, a bedtime prayer or a little song that you always sing

When it’s time to leave the room, let your child know their job is to simply lie there, nice and still, with their head on the pillow.

Try to avoid saying “Go to sleep!” This can make your child feel stressed that they don’t know how to go to sleep. They can, however, usually follow the instruction to just lie still.

Assure them that you will come back to check on them in a few minutes. Choose an initial time that feels manageable: anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes. As they learn to trust that you will come back, you can gradually lengthen the time between check-ins.

Tip from an old pro – it’s easy to forget to come back! (Whoops.) Set a timer on your phone so you remember to honour your promise. When you come back, keep it brief – just pop your head around the door, let them know they’re doing well, tell them you love them, and remind them you’ll check again soon.

Keep calm and carry on – without restarting the routine. Try not to get pulled into more cuddles or chatting. You might say, “Mmm, we’ve had our cuddles My Sweet Chicken – I’m looking forward to another one in the morning,” or “I’ll write that down and we can talk about it tomorrow.”

This approach allows your child to stay in bed while still feeling connected. They don’t need to get up to find you – they know you'll come back. That sense of connection helps them relax and settle.

It may take a few nights for this new routine to click, but often just a few check-ins are enough for them to drift off to sleep.

If bedtime continues to be a struggle, come along to Parent Coaching and we will work with you to support calmer nights in your home.