Calling out the gold in your children

Ask any parent what their dreams are for their child and you will probably hear of their desire to see their kids reach their full potential and live a happy, loved and satisfied life. As parents, it’s our greatest hope that our kids would have a positive view of themselves and the confidence to back their own talents and abilities as they navigate the challenges ahead of them.

Our kids are constantly making sense of themselves based on our interactions with them. Research tells us it’s a child’s early relationships in life that form their view of themselves as an adult. This sense of self is shaped over many years of everyday interactions with the people closest to them – our tone of voice, the comments we make about them and the little words of encouragement (or criticism) that we drop into everyday encounters.

I recently heard a dad giving his son the hurry-up as he was trying to make a decision in the supermarket: “Oh for goodness sake, you are pathetic, just make a decision!” Dad's tone of voice was impatient and critical, he was fed up with waiting and he was letting his son know his frustration. Sadly, his son could have easily got the message that he not good enough, too slow and a real annoyance to his dad. A one-off comment like this is repairable, but a steady stream of them over time can really put a huge dent a child’s self-esteem.

Life teaches our kids to become acutely aware of where they need to improve. Our challenge as parents is to help them become equally aware of where they have it exactly right and to point out the gold that we see emerging in them. So how do we do this?

Our children are infinitely unique. There is no one on the planet like them and getting to know them inside out is our number one assignment. As parents, our job is to draw out the personality, strengths, character, likes, talents, opinions of our kids through hanging out with them and being curious and interested in how they experience the world.

What are your child’s favourite foods, stories, characters, activities? Are they thinkers or talkers? Strong-willed or sensitive, or both? What are they afraid of? There is no right answer here, just the challenge to learn what makes your child tick.

It can take some determination and intentionality to push past all the things that worry us about our child's behaviour and instead choose to focus on their strengths. Look with eyes of love, or put on some rose-tinted glasses if that metaphor works for you! Choosing to reframe a child’s stubbornness as determination, or their messiness as creativity, or their anger as passion helps us tune in to the gold within them.

Kids only know the gold they have when someone they trust points it out to them. Our job as parents is to call out the pieces of brilliance that we see emerging as our child develops.

The words and tone we use when talking with our kids have the power to make or break our child’s view of themselves. If we use harsh and critical instructions, our kids will soon start to zone out. When we use words that are respectful, in a tone that is kind, our kids are far more open to listening.

Perhaps that dad at the supermarket could have tried, “Heck mate, that is a tough choice, I bet you will make a good decision.” This might have protected the boy’s self-esteem from taking a tumble.

Time is precious. Sometimes we feel the pressure as parents to cram every last second of it with fun and memorable activities.

What our kids really need is unstructured time to just hang out. Time together builds a sense of safety, connection and belonging for kids. Just moving through the simple routines of the day together teaches your child the rhythm of life and strengthens the bond between you both. Nurturing this bond is like building their immune system for relationships later in life.

Being a parent is a privilege, but it is also tiring and challenging. Recognise that even the best kids in the world are still going to be kids and will push the limits. Tiredness and tantrums go with the territory and are to be expected, and not just for two-year-olds!

Instead of taking it personally or flying off the handle when your child pushes your buttons, take a deep breath and reach for your stronger, calmer, wiser, kinder self. Our kids are observing us and absorbing our every move, we serve them well when we respond to them respectfully and refrain from throwing our own tantrums when things don’t go our way.

As your child grows, they navigate literally hundreds of developmental milestones, many of which can affect behaviour. For example, recognising and understanding the clingy stage when you are parenting a two-year-old or the absent-minded stage when parenting a teenager can help you adjust your parenting strategies along the way, as can getting some support from people who have been there before you. (Just quietly, Toolbox courses are brilliant for this!)

It can be helpful to learn about child development and what to expect. It can also be helpful to relax! Try not to compare your child to others. Every child develops at their own unique pace and in their own sweet time.

Let your child know that you are their number one fan and that every day when they head out the door, you are cheering them on. Our kids face all kinds of challenges, especially at school, and they can do this only with the support and encouragement of their most trusted people.

Sending them off with a “You’ve got this,” or a “Just do your best” can give your child the resilience boost then need to face their day. It's so empowering to know that even when you are not physically right there beside them, you still have their back.