Family resets: Looking back and moving forward

Parenting is great, but also hard work and sometimes not that much fun. Let's be honest! Perhaps you've noticed your kids are fighting more than usual, or ignoring you, not doing what you ask, being distant, rude or disrespectful. All the exciting stuff!

Or, perhaps as a family you're feeling stretched thin, running on empty and distracted by all the busyness with no time to focus on the things that really matter.

How do we get out of any sticky ruts we might have found ourselves in? It could be time for a family reset. A family reset is worth considering at this time of year because identifying what you want to change or leave behind works along the same lines as this whakataukī (proverb) –

Ka mua, ka muri – To look forward we have to look back (walking backwards into the future)

It is tempting to dwell on the things that aren't working well in family life, but first up - take a moment to find some gold and celebrate the small wins. Being mindful of 'glimmers' - small, good things that might pass us by unless we pause to savour and appreciate them - is a simple but effective form of self-care for busy parents. It's good for us!

You may be in a hectic, challenging and messy season (hmmm, AKA 'parenting'!?) but there'll be some gold there. Maybe your kids have developed some new skills, grown a bit more independence, learnt how to make you a coffee... Maybe there's been some great feedback from a teacher or coach, maybe they've found a lovely friend or looked out for someone struggling at school. These are things to celebrate!

When you call out the gold, it shows kids that there is nearly always good stuff happening, even when life is out of order. Our kids want to know that even when life is a bit chaotic, the reliable thread that runs through it all is that we will be okay, we will stick together and fun will still be had. If that sounds a bit like a 'lockdown learning', it's probably because it is. But it's a helpful mindset for whatever life is throwing at us - from pandemics, weather events and inflation to mid-winter melancholy or tricky behavioural 'phases'...

If not everything is going swimmingly in your family, A.) you're quite normal, and B.) you don't just have to accept less-than-ideal behaviour. A family reset offers an opportunity for letting go of what's not working and going after what could work better. It's a chance to take a breather and look around your family. What have you stopped doing? What have you turned a blind eye to? Who is taking the lead? Rather than saying "This doesn't work", it could be time for a tune-up.

Sometimes a bit of frustration provides the right amount of energy to change things up. Talk to your partner about the things you feel need tweaking in your family life, so you are both on the same page. Then choose a time and place and let your kids know there is a bit of a kōrero (chat) coming up. Around the meal table is good, so maybe you’ll have your family reset kōrero after dinner and before dessert.

Start with celebrating some of that gold we talked about earlier. Parents are like coaches, so you want to encourage and inspire your children. Everyone is part of the team. You might want to say something along the lines of "This is a great family - you're awesome kids. I/We have the privilege of helping you to be the very best you can be, to get along with each other, to contribute to the running of the household and to be wonderful humans... I/We love the way you've been handling XYZ and bringing me a coffee every morning... Some things are not working as well as they could be though, so we're going to push pause and get things back on track..."

Next up, address what you consider to be the most pressing issue for your family – perhaps it’s the amount screen time or the lack of participation in chores, or maybe the way everyone is talking to one another.

Share the problem from your perspective, and ask how your kids' view it too. Brainstorm some solutions and choose the ones that everyone can live with. Have a 'secretary’ taking notes so that there is some formal follow-through. Having some ‘minutes’ from the meeting shows that the intention is real. They also bring a bit of formality, as well as some accountability to see the changes through.

Children respond to leadership. They are looking for someone to establish boundaries and stick to them. They are also flexible and can handle the fluctuations that most families experience. So 'resetting' the family works well for children. And while your kids might not necessarily thank you for the reset, what they will respond well to is the sense of predictability, order and rhythm that you are creating.

There might be some push back – children and adults find it hard to lose a perceived freedom like unlimited screen time, but we can all handle it with generous doses of encouragement and the sense that the new way of doing things is more than an experiment. Rather it’s some structure that the grown-ups of the family have put in place because they really care.

Hitting reset on family life can take a bit of effort, but it's worth it. Kids thrive when provided with a sense of order and structure. The basics really do matter - for example, the rhythm of set bedtimes and morning routines; clear boundaries around screen time; expectations around chores; encouragement towards good manners and respectful talking to one another.

Every family needs a reset from time to time – probably at least once a year! It's unlikely that your first plan will last forever. Some reorganising and adapting will be necessary, so give yourself permission to revisit your plans and try again. Lead the way with some playfulness, coupled with firmness and intentionality – and maybe throw in some good ‘old walking the talk’ too, when it comes to changes you’re instigating. Nothing speaks louder than a role model!