Well-being 101: Keep up the great work

Hey there you doing the invaluable work of raising the next generation, we just wanted to tell you how amazing you are. Seriously, you’re incredible. But we’re parents too, and we get it: parenting is hard work. It can be relentless, draining and exhausting. And the pay in monetary terms is dismal. But we’re not going to dwell on any of that, because we understand this reality too – none of us signed up for parenting for the cushy hours and lucrative pay packets.

Parenting is a sacred privilege and we’re honoured to be here. But we’re tired at times, and overwhelmed at others. We’re desperate to be the best version of ourselves for our children, so long as the mess of big feelings, sticky surfaces and scattered Lego doesn’t derail us.

There are lots of things that contribute to parent well-being, and most of them we have no control over. Things like the presence or absence of family support, workplace leave policies, financial security, the temperament and health of our kids, and of course, all the things we ourselves bring into parenting - from our own history and identities, to our genetic disposition, and everything else besides. Other than radical acceptance, and maybe engaging in a little activism to change things up (if you want to!), there’s not much to be done about these factors. But there are a few things you can control, and doing what you can to improve your well-being by working on those areas is what we call self-care.

But to be clear, what we’re talking about here is not the overly commercialised 'treat-yo-self' form of self-care. You know the type; it costs loads of money and time, and the effects are short-lived. We’re not here to judge people who do these things though. If they appeal, and you’ve got the means for 'massages, mimosas and fine leather goods', then go for it! But if you’re looking for things you can do to improve your well-being that don’t cost an arm and a leg, but do make a difference to your well-being and your parenting in the long term, then read on….

I know, I know, you’ve heard it all before, but really, it actually does make a difference when you eat nutritious food, have a regular and sufficient sleep routine, stay hydrated, avoid non-prescription drugs and move your body regularly. We’re not saying these things are easy, or even possible for everyone all the time, but if you’ve got capacity to invest in these areas, the return on investment is pretty good.

Moving right along though, here are some other things that are part of looking after your whole self... things you might not have heard so much about before. Things like, challenging yourself by learning something new, connecting socially with others, having a creative outlet and spending time outside. For most of us, these things feel really good when we do them. They’re enjoyable and energising and the 'feel-good vibes' stick around, because these activities are also often meaningful and thought-provoking, as well as providing you with a bank of positive memories.

Effective self-care also looks like being intentional about seeking out, noticing and savouring positive experiences. These ‘glimmers’ are not the big things you write about in your annual Christmas card (does anyone still do those?) Rather they’re the little things you probably don’t even bother to mention to anyone. Glimmers are the joy you experience in that first sip of coffee, sunshine on your back while your toddler swings, walking to the letter box and discovering a parcel, scrolling onto a relatable meme or that precious moment when your teen laughs at the joke you made!

These moments can easily pass by without recognition, but when we pause to savour them, they can make even the greyest day more beautiful. Noticing glimmers is a valuable (and free!) self-care technique, and the more you do it, the more you’ll notice your mind shifting to look for the glimmers in all sorts of places. You can even lift your mood by simply imagining glimmers, or recalling past positive experiences. For me, re-watching videos of my kids being cute is a great way to shift my mood at the end of a hard day.

Many of us put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be excellent parents, partners, workers, committee members, friends and family members. It’s really difficult to juggle so many balls at once and we can get pretty wrapped up in meeting perceived expectations in all the different domains of our lives. But sometimes the best thing to do is to recognise which balls can safely get dropped, which ones can reasonably be put aside until a time of more capacity, and which ones we need to really take care off. There’s no denying the pandemic was a hard time, but I also recall many conversations during that time of people wanting to retain some of the simplicity of a life that didn’t involve being at 20+ different locations each week. So go ahead, lower your expectations of yourself. You’re only human.

And while we’re at it, it can be helpful to lower our expectations on our children. They’re only human too, and some days are going to go better than others. Most people, most of the time, are doing their best. Kids included. Comparing your kids unfavourably to another person’s kids doesn’t do anyone any favours, so focus instead on getting to know them, and what they need to thrive, and savour the times when they actually do what you ask.

We know how powerful words of encouragement can be for our children. We’ve had loads of practise at speaking life into their little hearts by dropping a well-timed affirmation or two. But what about ourselves? Doubt, disapproval and discouragement can so easily be the voices in our own heads, but we can – and we should – push back with some truth.

In a previous job, Kath made the following into fridge magnets to share with parents she worked with. Feel free to copy and paste, print and publish – stick these on your mirror, your phone’s home screen, your coffee machine... With some thoughtful reframing, we can tune out our inner critic and lean back into the encouragement that good enough is good enough!

• “There is grace for today, and strength for this moment”

• “No matter how many mistakes I make, if my kids know they are loved, I have done well”

• “Today I choose being present over being perfect”

• “Parenthood can be hard. I can do hard things”

• “Today I will be the type of person I want my children to become”

• “I am not a perfect parent, but I am the perfect parent for my children”

In their parenting resource No-Drama Discipline, Dr Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson remind parents that even though we try our best to be perfect, this is an impossible (and unnecessary) goal – it’s inevitable that we will make mistakes and then we’ll likely feel guilty. When those voices in our heads remind us of an interaction with our children that didn’t go so well, Siegel and Bryson suggest parents first take responsibility for their actions (e.g. losing our patience, saying something we regret), then make a repair with their child and then take steps to do better next time. Finally, they encourage parents to let go of their guilt, and this is the affirmation they invite parents to say to themselves:

I am a good parent. I forgive myself for what I did poorly in the past. I forgive myself for what I didn’t know. I forgive myself for being a work in progress. I am working on knowing better so I can do better. I am a good parent.

Whether that’s with a co-parent or co-parents, with teachers, grandparents, professionals or other trusted adults, children are meant to be raised in community. The community serves dual roles of supporting the child and supporting the parent. This topic is complex, and deserves a whole article by itself, but the short version is: it’s okay to ask for and accept help. For yourself, and for your children.

Sometimes it can be hard to prioritise looking after oneself. Many of us have been brought up with both productivity and selflessness being identified as prominent virtues, which is actually a recipe for burnout - especially when combined with the genuine demandingness of parenting and life in a modern world.

Working on parent well-being might seem unimportant at first glance, but here at Parenting Place, we have made it one of our core concepts for two reasons.

• First and foremost, because parents are people, and people’s well-being matters.

• Secondly, looking after our own well-being equips us to parent better. When parents are burned out and exhausted, they’re less able to do the kind of parenting that we know is best for kids. They’re more likely to snap or yell at kids, less likely to hold boundaries, less capable of tuning into their kids and less able to co-regulate with their children.

So yes, looking after yourself is valuable and important. It can make a huge difference. As you take care of your precious whānau, take a moment (or two, or more!) to take care of you too. It's absolutely worth it.