Extract from Kind, Firm Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale.
Our two-year-old son, Theo, is both delightfully strong-willed and incredibly sensitive. When he has done something wrong, like playing too roughly with the cat, and we correct him, he's more likely to hit the cat harder. He has daily tantrums about all sorts of things – like when we ask him to stop an activity or brush his teeth. He also freaks out when he gets his hands dirty. Is this normal?
Strong-willed kids are wonderful, wild and absolutely have the capacity to drive a parent crazy. They're not naturally compliant, nor are they wired to blend in, adjust or see a situation from different angles. Strong-willed kids want to win, they seek out fights and they don't back down easily. They are often quite sensitive and have an enormous need for respect and to be shown dignity.
Mix this type of personality with a two-year-old's natural propensity to exert their will, and you'll get some award-winning feistiness. As part of a child's natural development, arriving at toddlerhood means arriving at a crossroads of needs – the need to let go of their primary caregiver and become a little person of their own, and the need to hold on extra tight. They feel capable (they want to be in charge of choosing their own cup, putting on their own socks and setting the day's agenda), but they still need our constancy and reassuring love at every turn. This tug of war going on in their growing brains can be exhausting for them and for us.
Sensitive toddlers are also easily wounded or alarmed, and a stern tone of voice can be all it takes to set them off. In their flight or fight response, they may escalate their behaviour, which in turn can trigger a bigger response from us as parents.
This is both a turbulent and wonderful time for Theo as he emerges as his own person. The trick is to try and see his refusals and tantrums as a normal part of his development, and not a personal attack on you. Theo will feel secure when you are able to be the gentle leader – not bossy or harsh, and not afraid to set limits either.
When Theo gets fired up, try to keep your tone of voice kind and firm. Sensitive children are often triggered further by the anger or fight they perceive in a tone. If you need to remove him from the cat, do so without anger, and briefly let him know why – "I can't let you hurt the cat." It's important not to turn this into a big scene, but rather a redirection. Give Theo another opportunity to be gentle with the cat and keep in mind that learning happens little by little.
Remember to keep rules general, and for the whole family too. For example, "We are all gentle with the cat. She likes soft touches."
When it's time for a transition during the day, children tend to cope better when they're given some prior warning. It gives them a chance to prepare, finish off or possible even grieve the end of an activity they were enjoying. If you're about to leave Nana's house, let Theo know that he has time to finish his puzzle. Then stick to your timetable and to help him leave, offer a choice. For example, "Theo, would you like to hug Nana goodbye, or are you going to blow her a kiss?"
Giving children appropriate choices helps their growing sense of autonomy to flourish. Where you can, offer a choice between two things:
Brushing teeth can also be a time when children run away or refuse to come. At this age it feels like a game to them. This may be the perfect time to keep it playful. The toothbrush may start talking: "I'm looking for a little boy called Theo who has lots of beautiful teeth that need some shining."
Some families also use stories to keep things playful and get their children involved. A regular story about another child who loves to have their teeth brushed (for all sorts of fun and interesting reasons) may help win Theo over.
Some children are sensitive to noises, changes, emotions or even the feeling of being wet or dirty. When Theo gets upset about having dirty hands, he is letting you into his world of big feelings. Simply acknowledge his emotion – it may be distress or discomfort – by saying something like, "I see a little boy who feels uncomfortable with dirty hands. Would you like to show me your dirty hands?"
Sometimes a child just needs to have someone understand and sometimes they need help with a task (like cleaning hands). If this uncomfortable feeling bubbles over into a tantrum, stay close in case he would like a cuddle and help him regulate his feelings. You could say something like, "You're upset, and Dad is here for you. You don't like your hands being dirty, so you need some help to get them cleaned up."
Jenny Hale distills over 20 years experience as a family coach into this concise and brilliant guide for parenting 2-12 year olds.
In tense moments, it's good to use thinking words instead of fighting words to engage a child's cooperation. Thinking words will give Theo some control and will honour his abilities. Fighting words shut down a child's natural desire to have some of the control.
Fighting words sound like this: "Put that block down right now or you're not going to get a biscuit!"
Thinking words sound more like this: "As soon as the block is safely back down, we can have some morning tea."
Children respond to hearing what is going on, and little by little they make sense of things.
Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale. Available wherever good books are sold, and also now available as an e-book.
