How to talk about: Consent

Talking to your young person about what consent is – and what it’s not – is one of those conversations that might feel awkward to approach. But think of it this way: by front-footing these trickier chats, you’re setting your young person up with the knowledge and confidence to recognise and build healthy, respectful relationships for life. At the same time, you’re reminding them that you’re an open and reliable source of information and a proven safe place to talk about uncomfortable issues – a much safer place than Dr Google, for example.

Conversations around consent don’t need to be (and ideally won’t be) a one-off serious sit-down event. Instead, think of it as an evolving conversation that plays out as is appropriate to the age and stage of your young person.

Consent means that everyone involved freely agrees to something, whether that’s physical, emotional or even digital activities. Consent looks like enthusiastic and clear agreement from all parties involved, a full-body ‘yes’ without any hint of hesitation.

As your young person begins to navigate those first sweet crushes, then later romantic and sexual relationships, consent is an essential part of their responsibility to themselves and to others. In Aotearoa New Zealand, consent is a legal requirement for sexual activity – both parties must consciously and willingly agree to participate in sex. It’s an evolving agreement that allows for any party to freely change their mind at any point, and it’s a conscious agreement – this means it can’t be established if one person involved is drunk, distraught or asleep.

You can start talking about and modelling consent when your kids are preschoolers, giving age-appropriate insights into what body boundaries are all about.

Early on, this could sound like reminding your child that it’s okay if they don’t want to hug or kiss someone, reinforcing the idea that their body belongs to them and that they have the final say in what they’re comfortable with. So, we ask our kids if they want to give Grandma a hug or kiss goodbye, instead of telling them to (and accepting it if they say ‘No’). And we give our kids the words to politely decline an offer to ‘hold hands’ or hug. “No thanks, I need a bit more space.”

As they enter the tween and teen years, consent is an important principle in navigating all types of relationships, especially with regards to physical intimacy. Your role is to reinforce to your young person that they have a say over their body and personal boundaries, and that they also need to be respectful of and attuned to the personal boundaries of others.

Try throwing the ball into your young person’s court first to suss out what they might already know (you might be surprised!) on the topic of consent. A friend of mine loves heading to the basketball court with his son and often uses those moments of connection to chat through any serious stuff that’s going on. They take turns at asking and answering questions, while keeping their eyes firmly focused on shooting hoops. No direct (and awkward!) eye contact necessary.

When the time is right, you could kick off the conversation with something like:

• “Have you heard anyone using the word consent before? Do you know what they mean by that?”

• “Can you think of any situations where consent might be needed? Like, when it comes to personal space or deciding what you're comfortable doing?”

• “What would it sound like if someone wasn’t keen to do what you’re asking them to do, but they were feeling a bit shy about telling you?”

• “What could you say to your friend if they were pressuring you to do something you didn’t feel comfortable with?”

They might sound (and feel!) a bit naff, but role-playing conversations can be a great confidence builder for your tween or teen. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say is not always easy, but practise helps us get better at difficult things. Plus, our young people are generally pretty curious to hear about our teenage experiences, so don’t hold back on sharing some of your own ‘learning moments’!

The ‘what if’ tool is also helpful here, as it gives our kids an opportunity to practise their responses within the safety of a hypothetical scenario, which in turn helps build confidence to tackle real-life situations down the track. Choose a moment when the mood feels light and low-pressured (for example, in the car – another setting with minimal eye contact). If it doesn’t feel like the right time to go straight to the nitty-gritty ‘what ifs’ of romantic relationships or sexual activity, try a different scenario, like sharing photos on social media for example. This could sound like:

• “What would you do if someone shared an embarrassing photo of you on SnapChat without asking your permission and you weren’t okay with it?”

• “What would you do if you really wanted to share that video of your friend on TikTok, but they’ve asked you not to?”

• “What would you do if your friend was saying ‘Yes’ to something, but you could tell by their body language and wobbly voice that they really meant ‘No’?”

• “How could you respond if you are being pressured to do something you don’t want to do? Let’s practise how can you assert yourself verbally and with body language.”

As we adults well know, sometimes friends and peers can be very persuasive, so remind your young person that their instinct or ‘gut feeling’ is generally a reliable guide. If what is being requested of them, or if what they’re requesting of someone else, causes them to feel a bit ‘ick’ or fills them with butterflies, it’s probably because they’re operating outside of their own personal boundaries.

Share some tips or offer some lines for standing up for themselves when the voices of their peers or partner are ringing extra loudly. Consent is about your young person’s well-being and it should never be compromised to appease a crush, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even their mates.

It's also incredibly important that our kids know how to get themselves out of uncomfortable or risky situations. A family code word is helpful here. Decide together on a word or emoji that your young people can text you with if they are ever in a situation where they aren’t comfortable. For kids and teens, the family code word is a way to get help whenever and wherever they need it, 24/7. For parents and caregivers, it’s a call to action. Hear it and we're on the way – no questions asked at the time.

Like all big and important issues, when it comes to the topic of consent, we need to make ourselves available and keep the lines of communication open for whenever our teens are ready to talk and engage. Follow their lead, answer their questions openly and honestly, and try not to turn it into a lecture. However, if the moment feels right to share a little more, you could try dropping in some of these facts and backing them up with some scenarios that your teen can relate to.

• In Aotearoa New Zealand, you must be over 16 years of age to give consent to sexual activity. And consent is not just a ‘nice-to-have’, it is a legal requirement under the Crimes Act 1961.

• Even if consent is initially given, either party can change their mind at any stage. You could ask your young person: “Do you know that even if you’ve said ‘Yes’ to someone before, you can still change your mind at any stage when it comes to your personal boundaries?”

• If someone doesn’t give you their consent, you need to stop what you’re doing. A lack of ‘No’ never ever means it’s a ‘Yes’. If you have to twist someone’s arm or bribe them, it’s not consensual. You could share something like this with your young person: “If someone says ‘No’ to you, it’s not a rejection. The other person is just setting their own personal boundaries and that’s absolutely okay.”

• Sometimes people aren’t in a state to give consent, i.e. they’re drunk, distraught, asleep or unconscious. It is a legal requirement under the Crimes Act 1961 that the person consenting to sexual activity must be able to understand what they’re agreeing to. “Even if someone has said ‘Yes’, if they’re drunk or wasted, they can’t give you their conscious consent. So it’s actually a solid ‘No’.”

By equipping and empowering our young people to have positive, healthy and honest relationships, we are reminding them of their worth, and the importance of valuing others – as well as setting them up for future relationship success.