How to talk about: Your teenager’s first party

So, your kid wants to go to a party. Gone are the innocent days when such an occasion would have meant fairy bread, Paw Patrol goodie bags and pass-the-parcel. The time has come for their first teenage party. It's highly unlikely that there will be white bread with sprinkles, we're pretty sure there won't be goodie bags, and if there are party games, they will have undergone a bit of an update.

Your initial reaction, as an involved, caring and sensible parent, will be to tell them that they can’t go. Then you might have a flashback or two from your own youth... You’ll remember that even though you made pretty average decisions sometimes, you still turned out okay. Then, maybe after a couple of deep breaths, you’ll be calm enough to engage with your teen’s request.

There is a lot to be said on the topic of keeping our teens safe and guiding them towards good decision making. This article is about the pre-game chat you can have with your teen to set them up to enjoy parties in a safe and fun way.

We’re confident that you’ll naturally cover stuff like, “Be safe, contact me throughout the night and take a jacket.” What you might not have thought about is the type of positive party advice you can give. Teenagers don’t usually solicit party advice from their middle-aged, cheeseboard-loving parents, but we suggest that you dish it out anyway.

Talk to them about how to be friendly and outgoing. Most people drink, experiment with drugs and pretend they've seen movies that they haven’t because they’re socially nervous. The best skill your teen can have when going to a party is the skill of making new friends.

The basics are —

• Smiling at people

• Saying “Hey, my name is _____.”

• Asking someone what their name is

• Grabbing ice out of someone’s glass, throwing it on the ground, standing on it, then smiling and saying, “I guess that breaks the ice.”

Then there's next-level social skills development – things like asking questions, being positive and remembering details when engaging in conversation with someone you've just met. You could talk to your teen about these things, and share some of your own 'awkward teen' moments and how you overcame them. They may not thank you for such a pep talk, but trust the process – social skills are hugely important, offering our teens a boost in confidence that can be powerfully protective.

Don’t talk to your kid about dance moves, whisper this next bit – show them. Learn some dance moves, teach them to your teen. (Who are we kidding – high chance this will work better the other way round: teen teaches parent.) The point is, encourage dancing. Show them that dancing is the best way to have fun, no matter where you are, and that alcohol isn’t a requirement for doing the billy-bounce.

Talk about your family safe word. It doesn’t matter what the word is – it could even be an emoji. It matters that teens and parents know what the safe word means and are committed to honouring it. For teenagers, the family safe word is a way to get help whenever and wherever they need it, 24/7. For parents and caregivers, it’s a call to action. Hear it and they’re on the way – no questions asked at the time.

Talk to your teen about your expectations. A recent study showed that the majority of young people who chose not to drink alcohol did so because they didn’t want to let their parents down. We want our teens to make good decisions for themselves when we're not around. Even if we're not right there to keep a watchful eye, we can still be the voice inside their head. If they’re about to do something that they know you wouldn’t want them to, they’ll likely hear you saying, “Wipe your feet on the mat”, “Don’t get in that car” or “Make choices that you’re proud of”.

Sometimes bad things happen at parties, but good things can happen for teens at parties too. Things like friendships, great new dance moves and feeling like their parents trust them. Trust us, it’s worth talking to your kids about how to have fun without needing to drink.