Intentional affection: Why hugs still matter

When I was in primary school, my family moved overseas to live in West Africa. There were a lot of mosquitos and we had to avoid being bitten by them or we could catch malaria. Along with taking daily antimalarial pills, one of the many adjustments I had to make was getting used to sleeping under a mosquito net. I was about 8 when I remember announcing that I would only allow my parents to give me a goodnight kiss through the mosquito net. Mum and Dad respected this and dutifully kissed me through the (probably dusty) netting every night. I remember some good-naturedly grumbling about the mosquito net rule, but no matter what, every night they still gave me a hug and kiss through that net. The message that your parents will reliably and consistently give you affection is an important one.

When kids are small, they naturally get a lot of physical affection. Babies crave being held and respond to being rocked in our arms. Little ones wrap themselves around our legs until we pick them up for a cuddle or swing them onto our shoulders for a ride. And then at night they wrap their arms around our necks and absolutely won’t let go when we’re trying to say goodnight and leave the room. Our physical touch – all the cuddles, carrying, hair stroking and hand holding – is a huge part of parenting when our children are little.

My preschoolers used to like me reaching back and holding their hand while I was driving. This is not recommended by physiotherapists – apparently it’s a terrible position for shoulders. (Driving instructors are probably not advocates either, come to think of it!)

I remember when we first bought bunk beds and our kids were so excited to share a room. It was easy enough to give my daughter on the bottom bunk a cuddle, but I found myself getting a crick in my neck hugging my boy on the top bunk. I would hook one arm around the railing, and with my other arm try to scoop him towards me, close enough so that I could give him some semblance of a hug. It soon started feeling like a hassle, so he would get a bit of a pat and that was it! After a while I realised I hadn’t given my young son a proper bedtime cuddle for about two weeks!

That night I made the effort and hauled my heavy pregnant body up the bunk ladder and lay down beside him. I told him “I miss giving you proper hugs since you have gone up on this top bunk!” I will never forget the delighted grin he gave me as he processed the fact that I had gone to visible effort to prioritise cuddling him.

Physical touch relaxes and soothes our children, it even helps them to bond with us. When we hug our children, oxytocin is released in their bodies – and in ours. Often referred to as the ‘love’ or ‘happy’ hormone, oxytocin helps children to regulate their emotions, lowers levels of stress hormones and helps to reduce anxiety. In other words, giving and receiving physical affection is wonderful for both you and your child!

Physical affection sends a powerful message to a child that they are treasured, valued and loved. We want to be speaking this language to our children and teenagers every day (alongside other ways of connecting with our kids).

Some children are naturally very snuggly while others may appear awkward about physical affection and not seek it out as much. However, I would argue that all humans need affection, and physical affection benefits all parent-child relationships. If goodnight hugs and morning snuggles reliably happen, as well as responsive comforting touch as needed throughout the day, this will help our child or young person to feel our unconditional love for them, which in turn helps them feel secure and connected to us.

As our kids get older, bigger and more independent, the relationship moments which naturally offer physical affection gradually reduce. This happens for lots of reasons, for example we may stop reading to our kids at bedtime, thus losing an opportunity to have the child snuggled under our arm for a nice long time. Tweens and teens don’t necessarily seek out or insist on physical closeness from us anymore. (It’s not cool for Mum to hold your hand when walking into high school or even intermediate.) As adolescence hits, our pre-teens and teenagers can be groggy first thing. Instead of a morning snuggle, they might be a lot more focused on having a shower to wake up.

Parents can start to feel awkward about physical affection with their children as their young people go through puberty. The boy is shaving now, surely he doesn’t need or want a goodnight hug? Before long, it can feel like ages since you hugged your child, and starting again feels too uncomfortable. My encouragement – keep it up! It is easier to keep up physical affection than to resume it once it’s dropped of. (But if it has dropped off, it is not too late to resume it!)

When I talk to parents in coaching sessions, I often hear about the hassles and busyness of family life, and the frustration of screen addiction and chore avoidance. Disrespect and rudeness may have crept in and become the typical tone kids use when speaking to their parents. It may not feel intuitive or even natural, to ‘up’ the affection if the atmosphere with our children has got a bit strained. But if we stop and think about it, a lack of affection may be playing a bigger role than we’ve acknowledged. As parents, we need to take the lead in initiating and showing our children that we treasure them, intentionally upping our demonstrations of physical affection. After all, affection helps parents and kids feel more connected. Feeling more connected leads to a more cooperative, less resistant style of relating to each other.

If physical affection has dropped off, here are some ideas to work it into your everyday interactions with your tweens and teens.

• Keep up bedtime reading for as long as you can. This offers an amazingly soothing and special time before kids go to bed, and it’s a very natural opportunity to sit next to your child and have your arm around them. Change up the genre as your kids get older – probably more Lord of the Rings than The BFG. (That said, are we ever too old for Roald Dahl?.)

• High-fives

• A quick shoulder massage as they do their homework (while you peer over their shoulder to check they really are working on integers…)

• Arm wrestles!

• Dads and kids playfighting

• A hand on their shoulder, telling them you appreciate some chore they are doing

• Offer to blow-dry or straighten their hair (even teenagers can love the soothing feeling of someone else brushing their hair)

• Offer to French braid their hair (if you have that high-level skillset!)

• Paint their nails for them

• Bring them a blanket while they’re watching TV and sit down beside them

• Heat up a wheat pack or hot water bottle if your daughter has period pain

• Ask for a hug each morning

• Sit down on their bed and stroke their hair as you say goodnight

• Offer to give them a back rub before they go to sleep

• Ask for a goodnight hug

• Arrange their blankets on top of them and tuck them in tightly

Physical affection helps to ‘warm up’ the relationship and it is an important part of parenting, no matter what the age of your children. It's important to note that we need to always be respectful of a child's wishes and boundaries. And as we consider the role of physical affection in our relationships with our kids, it's a good time to also reflect on the vital importance of conversations around consent.