Our son is becoming 'that kid' at school

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale.

We have two children: a 10-year-old daughter, and a son, Daniel, who has just turned seven. Daniel has almost total disregard for authority. He is getting in trouble at school for mucking around and disrupting the class. His teacher has called me in twice this term after sending Daniel to the principal’s office, but Daniel doesn’t seem to care. We have tried taking away treasured toys and getting him to ‘earn’ them back with good behaviour. Time out sometimes works, as he doesn’t like being left out, but the effect is very short-term. We are concerned that he’s getting labelled ‘that kid’.

Children get into trouble for all sorts of reasons, but they are often not mature enough to know what might be driving their behaviour. Most unwanted behaviour comes from unmet needs, and if a child is constantly playing up, it’s good for us to pause and work out what else could be going on.

Children get caught in negative spirals, often getting into trouble at home and at school. When a child continuously gets into trouble and there is lots of growling, nagging and telling off, they start to believe that being naughty is who they are, and they grow into this picture of themselves. When a child constantly hears what they have done wrong, they can assume that there is something wrong with them, and they begin to live with a sense of shame. What sounds like an observation from an adult may be internalised as a statement about their value. For example, when a parent says, “You should know better. How many times do I need to remind you to put this stuff away?”, the child may hear, “You are a pain. You can’t remember a thing. Why are you doing this to us?”

Parents also get alarmed by their children’s behaviour. It can feel personal and anxious thoughts arise about the behaviours worsening or their child’s isolation intensifying. Parents can also find themselves sensitive to every mistake and wrong action made by their child, and their annoyance adds up and spills over.

Parenting is no fun when you feel like you have to constantly police your child, and it can be a tricky pattern to break out of – especially because a lot of strong words can sometimes reinforce poor behaviour, rather than fix it.

What you and Daniel need is a different starting point, and the best place to start is with your words. You’re going to need to change your dialogue with Daniel. This will mean looking for the gold in him, and resetting the view he has of himself (and perhaps your view too).

He’s already familiar with his weaknesses, but deep inside him is a boy with amazing potential. This is what he needs to hear about. You could say things to him like, “Dan, I really enjoy being with you. You’re great company and I like how you always have a story to tell. We have had a rough patch, but we are going to get through this together and we’re here to help you find the way.”

He also needs to see in black and white what it is he is already doing well and what he is learning to do well. You could use the marble jar or create a book that highlights these things, and read it together with Daniel often. A homemade book can take a child who is discouraged and despairing, to a child who sees his accomplishments and his ongoing learning.

You could also write a list of things you love about your kids and post it on the fridge for everyone to enjoy. For example: We love how much Daniel enjoys board games, and reminds us to play family games together.

When children feel the belief others have in them, it inspires them. As Daniel adjusts the concept he has of himself and begins to see that he is valued and loved, he can drop the unwanted behaviour. This will happen in small increments, and for a while you may not see much change. Be ready for the slow turn.

Daniel also needs to know he is wanted and enjoyed at school. A teacher may think that a child like Daniel just needs to feel enough consequences to wake him up to the real world, but Daniel will wake up and start behaving when he feels safe and wanted. A simple change in the way he is spoken to, warm welcomes and farewells, and being given a responsibility in the classroom will all help him reset.

Work with the school in being as supportive as you possibly can and sharing insights about what Daniel is responding to. Share successes with the teacher and see if his daily report can include what he did well, rather than just hearing about what didn’t go so well.

Daniel is more likely to learn within the context of close relationships. If he does something wrong, gentle correction may make a far bigger impact than punishment. He can learn to identify what he did wrong and find a way of making it right wherever possible. A teacher may need to follow through and keep him in at interval time, but work alongside Daniel to help him understand why he was kept in.

Daniel also needs help interpreting correction. Instead of feeling ashamed of being in the wrong, help him see that everyone gets corrected from time to time. It does not mean there is anything wrong with him – and he too can learn not to take things personally. A helpful thought for him to memorise might be – “Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. I can learn from my mistakes.”

Time out for many children serves to reinforce their feelings of shame and separation. A small but significant change to time out could help Daniel feel less alarmed and anxious. One parent could accompany Daniel to time out and sit with him. It’s not a time to lecture or teach him a lesson – your proximity will help him calm down more quickly and access that part of the brain that brings him back ‘online’.

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale. Available wherever good books are sold, and also now available as an e-book.