Single parents, we salute you!

I was a single parent for the first nine years of my daughter’s life and it is fair to say this was a challenging time. The sadness of not having your child’s other parent around each day to ask “How do you think our parenting is going?” or “Were we too hard on her?” or just to share connection regarding your child’s life. And the questions got trickier as my daughter got older – What school will be the best fit for her? When would it be okay for her to date? Am I being too strict? As a single parent, I really missed being able to check in with a partner as I considered these sorts of issues.

The responsibility of raising a well-adjusted human on my own weighed heavily, and at times I found myself in a heap on my bed feeling overwhelmed with the job ahead of me.

One day I had a revolutionary thought – what if I gave myself a break and accepted that ‘good enough’ actually was good enough?! What if I gave myself permission to not be the perfect parent? I mean, is there even such a thing as a perfect parent? No. Instead, I would aim to be the best parent I could be. This meant there was going to be some great parenting moments, and some not-so-great ones, and that was going to be good enough for me!

I also realised, at some point of my journey, that looking after myself was super important if I wanted to look after my daughter. The old saying ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ is absolutely true. And this truth is especially raw for single parents as they often find themselves at the bottom of the priority list.

The day-to-day of family life can be stressful for all involved, but single parents obviously have the added dynamic of not being able to pass the baton to another parent. You’re it! Parent, teacher, cook, housekeeper, morale-booster, coach, Uber driver, entertainer, counsellor, nurse… need I go on?!

Single parents – you are AMAZING!

Here are 5 things I want to encourage you with today:

Kindness is key. Parenting solo is incredibly challenging, which means self-care is especially important but even harder to grab a hold of!

You could try taking some time out at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed. Run yourself a bath or have an extended shower. Light a candle and put on your favourite music. Set yourself up for a movie night with a treat or two. Don't worry about the laundry pile or catching up with emails – just press pause for a bit and treat yourself. You're 100% worth it.

I remember how valuable it was to stay connected with others when I was on my own. I also remember how easy it was to hunker down and not reach out to others. I strongly encourage you to use your village to maintain adult connection. Have a couple of people who you talk to about the challenges you might be facing, or simply to debrief at the end of the week. You may feel alone physically, but you’re not alone in the bigger picture – we’re all in this together and people who love and care about you are just a text, phone or video call away.

Just breathe! Stop and take some deep breaths, whenever you need to throughout the day. If it’s been one of ‘those’ days, put the kids to bed half an hour earlier and savour some peace.

You are only one person and you can only do so much. Some days will go a lot smoother than others. Allow things to slide when you need to release some pressure and lighten your own load. Give yourself a well-deserved break from the expectation that the house needs to always be tidy, the laundry hamper empty and the fridge fully stocked. Baked beans for dinner is totally fine, so is cereal for that matter!

Parents can feel the pressure to shuttle their kids around to a range of extracurricular activities. This can be expensive and time-consuming, and even trickier to facilitate when you're parenting on your own. Truth is, enriching experiences are everywhere – you don't have to drive your kiddos all over town after school every day. Plenty of wonderful learning can happen at home or in your local community.

That said, enlisting the help of others can be a helpful way to tackle all the 'extras' of raising kids. Perhaps the grandparents want to make dance class or swimming lessons happen - give them a grateful go-ahead. Carpooling and tag-teaming with another family can also hugely help your schedule overload.

I found having a routine helped me get through each week too. Schedule meals, chores, activities and bedtimes at regular times so that your children know what to expect each day. Sounds simple, but routines are powerful and will help kids feel more secure and help you juggle everything on your to-do list.

Maintain and pursue connection with your kids before their behaviour screams ‘I need you’. We can feel like we don’t have time to stop and spend quality time with our kids but here’s the deal – when their behaviour spirals out of control because they desperately need connection, we will spend the same amount of time – if not more time – helping them sort their feelings out and getting them back on track. Invest in short but intentional moments of focused attention throughout the day – this really helps with ‘maintenance’, keeping our kids’ tanks full and their emotions in balance.

You don’t have to do everything on your own. As soon as your kids are old enough to help (and even toddlers can master some tidying up or laundry sorting skills… kinda), involve them in household chores, cooking and gardening. Single parents have an opportunity to raise especially resourceful and responsible kids.

As a single parent, it’s really easy to slip into comparing yourself to other families and how they appear to be navigating life. This offers little relief but instead usually leaves us feeling like we could/should be doing better. Comparison is the thief of joy, Theodore Roosevelt once said. Comparison will also steal your peace. Stay in your own lane and remember that nobody else has the exact same scenario as you. The number of kids, their ages, their personalities… families all vary hugely.

So be kind to yourself and run your own race. And stay in today – you only need to find the patience, kindness and love that you need for the day you’re in right now. When tomorrow comes, the same will true.