War and peace: Helping our kids find calm in a chaotic world

This article was first published in February 2022, in response to Russia's invasion of Ukraine. We have republished it in October 2023 with the thought that it might be helpful in light of current world events.

For many of us grown-ups, we saw the writing on the wall but hoped against hope that the threat of war in Europe wouldn’t become a reality. Yet it has, and it all makes for confronting, disturbing and heart-breaking headlines.

And as parents, our thoughts quickly turn to our children – how are they going to be affected by talk of invasion, bombs and war? And how are we to help them?

We’ve written on the topic of supporting kids through traumatic news and events before and hope the following articles will be useful to families in this current moment too:

• Helping kids make sense of the news

• How to talk to kids about scary events

• And What kids need to hear when hard news hits home – where psychologist Karen Young offers a comprehensive guide for speaking to kids of different ages about trauma.

However, we also wanted to share some thoughts that are specific to supporting our kids through the news of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

My kids already have a global pandemic, rapidly rising interest rates (whatever that means to tweens and teens) and climate change on their ‘stuff to worry about’ radar. As events unfolded in Europe last week, I knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be adding ‘threat of war’ to the list.

Sure enough, two out of three were scrolling Instagram on Friday morning and simultaneously exclaimed, “What the heck! Is there a war?!”

Whether they’ve been informed via a headline, a news item or something they’ve seen on social media, our kids will have some big feelings in response to the news. As parents, we don’t need to provide detailed explanations of the complex political situation in Eastern Europe, nor be able to explain the fraught history leading up to the headlines we’re now confronted with. But we do need to be available to listen and answer questions, as best we can.

Initially at our place, some short answers to basic questions were suffice and our girls headed off to school relatively calmly, all things considered. My colleague, however, shared how his young kids needed much more time to talk when they first heard the news, and more help to find their way back to calm. He sat them down and explained the situation with a basic overview that was appropriate to their ages. He then offered them his undivided attention for 15 minutes and invited their questions – any and all questions welcomed, and he answered them as best as he could.

It was a day or so later that I noticed my girls were really struggling with the news updates they kept inadvertently hearing. One in particular was especially challenged and crumpled into tears soon after lunch on Sunday. Admittedly, my first reaction was panic – what could we possibly say to help ease her mind in this moment? With nothing else in our toolkit, my husband and I bundled her up into a cuddle on the couch and invited her to ask us anything she wanted to – any questions at all about what was worrying her. I could tell straight away she was grateful to be welcomed into that place of dialogue, and she had no trouble articulating her deepest concern: “Is there going to be World War 3?”

Friends, did we ever think we’d have to answer this question from our legitimately frightened young people? I certainly didn’t and man is it a lot! But I want to encourage you – I share my family’s experience because the simple Q&A actually worked. To be honest, I had my doubts and felt all kinds of inadequate, but it worked. My husband and I did our best to provide straight-up answers based on the information at hand, while drawing on the insights and encouragement that speak to who we are as a family. And our girl felt better.

So here it is – a simple strategy for supporting our kids through a really complex situation: Be available, invite questions, answer those questions.

If you can’t answer a child’s question, it’s okay to be honest and tell them you’ll come back to them once you’ve thought about it some more. You might also notice, as we have, that each of your kids have concerns and anxieties unique to their different personalities. Therefore, give each child one-on-one time to ask their own questions and feel heard in their own concerns.

Yet again we find ourselves in a challenging parenting moment. There’s a lot to be said on the topic of supporting kids through tough news, but for now, the other thing we urge parents to keep in mind is how different the online world has made news exposure.

When we were kids, we may have seen the news on telly at 6pm, and probably alongside the adults in our world. We may have browsed the newspaper at the breakfast table if we were especially keen, but then got on with our day. Today our young people have access to a constant barrage of updates on their phones. What’s more, some of that 'news’ will be unreliable. Without our support, they may not have the ability to discern what’s real and what’s not, so talk to your tweens and teens about the pictures they’re seeing and help them with context. Young people need our guidance here. They will likely also need our help to switch off. It's probably a good idea to keep a closer eye on everyone’s screen time at the moment and limit access to bad news.

Speaking of doomscrolling, we’d all do better with less of it. We shouldn’t ignore what’s happening in the world, nor pretend everything’s peachy in the face of real and raw pain, but it certainly helps our kids if we model a healthy media diet and keep life in balance.

Back at our place we rounded off the weekend with a spontaneous trip to the beach where we cooked sausages over a camp stove and attempted s’mores (with average success). It felt like a ridiculous privilege, while pockets of the world are struggling as they are. But I hope that time spent sitting still, feeling the sun on our shoulders and modelling calm in the face of a storm will set our kids up for another week of resilience, compassion and empathy.