What matters most? Weaving values into your family

Parenting often feels like an endless roster of sorting out issues, putting out fires, redirecting behaviour and attending to life admin. All of that is important. However, in the depths of the daily juggle parents can forget to tap into an inspirational side of parenting – the side that holds their hopes and dreams for their children.

Here’s a thought. What if we took the time to craft and write down our family values? Really drill into what our family is all about and the dreams we have for our children. The atmosphere in the home may just improve as we give light to these words!

Children are keen to know what we as adults value the most - and what those important things look like. They are waiting for us to call out the gold in them. To hear what we believe they are capable of. They love to know they are part of a bigger picture. They respond when they feel our unconditional love and when we nudge them towards a life that thoughtfully contributes to the good and wellbeing of others.

A growing self-worth and deep-seated happiness comes naturally as children experience the emergence of their values. Children love to be able to label themselves as ‘kind’ or ‘honest’, ‘reliable’ or ‘generous’. That is truly a prime motivator for parents to include values in their plans and intentions.

This is not a forced or rigid plan but a generous welcome to live lives that are kind, purposeful and considerate of others.

A family hui (meeting) is a great starting place to share the dreams you have for your children.

Imagine them as young adults. What sort of people do you want them to become?

What would parenting or family success look like if your child was about to finish high school and begin the next stage of their lives?

Start with five core values that resonate using the list below as a prompt. Remember, other worthy values can sit under your chosen five. A value like courage, for example, can also be connected to bravery, persistence or vulnerability, so one value can be the umbrella for a host of others. Jot them down in your family book if you have one!

Honesty, courage, diligence, perseverance, generosity, encouragement, compassion, patience, forgiveness, peacefulness, persistence, respect, kindness, responsibility, caring, humility, love, flexibility, trust, tolerance, unity, self-control, loyalty, initiative, fairness, enthusiasm, assertiveness, confidence, creativity, gentleness, helpfulness, reliability, gratitude, adaptability, ambition, belonging, contribution, contentment, curiosity, dignity, faith, hope, joy, justice, resourcefulness, teamwork, vulnerability, bravery.

Once you’ve chosen your values, imagine how they would look when woven into the fabric of the family. Take flexibility as an example value. This could be the focus for the next month. Pop it up on the fridge or frame it.

Now think about how holding the value of flexibility might look in your family environment using these simple steps:

1. Get clear on what it means
   
   Flexibility means being ready and willing to change your ideas or approach. Adjusting smoothly when unexpected problems happen instead of getting upset. We want to be open to new ideas as there is so much to learn. We know we cannot control everything going the way we want, so it helps us enjoy life when we are ready to adapt or try doing something in a new way. We don’t want to become rigid or boring (and not even like surprises)!


2. Look for opportunities to practice it

   For example, ask your child to imagine how they might respond in each of these situations:

   • You were looking forward to a playdate and your friend got sick and had to postpone it
   • You kept making the same mistake again and again when you were drawing a cat
   • You had not finished building your Lego creation and Dad called you to be ready for dinner in five minutes
   • A friend wants to show you another way of solving the Rubik's Cube even though you really prefer the way you do it now
3. Notice when it’s happening

   Check in with your child on those everyday moments where the value of flexibility is practiced. For example:

   • You feel disappointed about your friend but you get some new dates ready
   • You try a new way of drawing cats
   • You feel frustrated that you have to finish but you tell yourself that there will be more time after dinner
   • You ask your friend to show you how they do the Rubik's cube
4. Think about what could go better

   "Ask them, 'What would it look like if you weren't being flexible?'" It might look like:

   • Blaming someone for your friend not being able to play
   • Refusing to try and draw a cat a new way
   • Ignoring Dad and refusing to stop playing with your Lego
   • Telling your friend you don’t want to see how they do the cube because you know the best way
5. Prompts to keep you on track

   What extra help might we need to live this value out every day? For example:

   • Little reminders
   • Someone noticing us trying hard to do it and encouraging us
   • Having another chance to do it after not doing so well
6. Celebrate who you are becoming
   
   You could try using your surname as an acrostic poem to document and celebrate your values? For example, if your surname is MITCHELL it might look something like this:

(M) Making the time to connect each day

(I) Interest – taking an interest in what each other is up to

(T) Truthful. Knowing that trust is built upon being sure someone is sticking to the truth

(C) Caring and showing it daily

(H) Humility – being able to win well and lose well, without thinking too highly or poorly of ourselves

(E) Encouragement. Our words are going to be used to call out the gold in each other

(L) Laughter. Our home will have loads of room for fun and laughter

(L) Loyalty. We can't control how others view us or whether they stick by us, but we can be loyal to each other and stand up for one another.

Many families find this new focus on values a breath of fresh air. It feels different to the daily routines of order, transitions and compliance. It is positive and brings a new energy into what may have become a tired and relentless focus on behaviour.