Generation sandwich: Taking care in the stretch

I have three wonderful kids and two incredible parents. Everyone in my family is getting older. No surprises there, you’ve probably noticed a similar pattern at your place. All of this getting older business means change: our teenagers have changing needs, so do our parents. Our teenagers are stretching their wings and flexing their independence, while my parents face challenges in different ways. And then there’s my husband and me, stretching between the dynamic and complex needs on either side.

Wikipedia describes the sandwich generation as a group of middle-aged adults who care for both their aging parents and their own children. It’s not a specific generation or age-bracket, but a “phenomenon that can affect anyone whose parents and children need support at the same time.” Aside from the ‘middle-aged’ reference, which stings a bit admittedly, this ‘phenomenon’ feels highly relatable right now.

Oh the beautiful circle of life! Right up front, I’m not here to complain about any aspect of my life or my circle. For me, caring for anyone – but especially caring for my family members – is an honour. It’s also a privilege that not everyone gets to put their hand to.

What I am here to do is acknowledge the moment, because maybe you’re here too - feeling a bit sandwiched, squished in the middle, thinly spread.

So, fellow sammies, what shall we do while we’re here? First up, we need to look after ourselves. We talk about self-care a lot at Parenting Place, and with good reason. Looking after ourselves is a central part of looking after our families. We can’t pour from an empty cup, and our own oxygen mask must be applied first if we're going to be any use in helping our family members put theirs on.

Okay, enough metaphor. We need some strategy! I talked to Family Coaches Jenny Hale and Sheridan Eketone, and gathered up some sage advice for parents feeling stretched both ways...

Self-care in this season looks like being kind to yourself, treating yourself even. You’re a VIP! There might not be a limo collecting you and the groceries, but you really, really matter. So grab moments to do whatever it is that fills your cup – a walk, a coffee date, reading another chapter of your book, sitting in the sun… and do it guilt-free. The little things we can do to look after ourselves ultimately help us look after others.

Self-care also looks like being wise with time management. We simply can’t do everything, nor should we feel we have to. I used to relish being a PTA mum, but in this season, I just don’t have enough capacity, and I'm okay with that. Speaking of time management, being organised is essential. My husband and I compare diaries every Sunday evening and forge a plan for the week ahead – all the details are noted down, as I can’t trust my brain to remember everything unprompted these days!

Be clear with yourself as to what your priorities are (priorities will probably look like your immediate people: partner, kids, parents/relatives needing extra help). We only have 24 hours each day, a chunk of which are ideally spent sleeping. There will be obvious things to get done in those remaining hours; addressing your priorities and meeting your responsibilities. Outside of that, push back on any feelings like your letting people down or not doing enough. Knowing your priorities and knowing your limits - and being okay with the both of them - is so central to avoiding overwhelm in general life, but especially when you’re in Gen Sandwich.

It can help to find some language (and practice using it!) for communicating boundaries and managing expectations. Clear communication is our ally – it ensures people feel seen and heard, while reinforcing your position.

• “What I can do is X within Y time-frame…”
• “I’d love to come, but our family’s schedule is full this week…”
• “Thanks for the opportunity – it’s something I’m interested in, but I don’t have capacity at the moment.”

Routines are helpful when we’ve got a lot going on. Sheridan, who has four teenagers and a mum going through serious health issues, told me about the joy she’s found in using a three-hour Friday afternoon window (opened by dropping a teenager at work before needing to pick them up again after their shift) to visit her parents. She’ll have a cup of tea and a chat, then vacuum, clean the bathroom and prepare her parents a simple dinner. Rather than it being yet another tiring to-do list, this rhythm has proved deeply encouraging for Sheridan, pushing back the feelings of overwhelm she had been experiencing. “It’s something I can do each week, with a sustainable boundary around it, and it feels empowering.”

Routines and rhythms like this help us feel productive, and they are good for our boundaries. There’s a lot to do, in lots of different places, but we can’t stretch ourselves too far. We have to be realistic.

Which brings us neatly to our next point – we can’t do this alone! Make the phone calls, have the family hui, enlist a team.

It’s also worth checking in with your GP to see if there might be any funded support available to your family too. Subcontracting out services like housework and gardening can also help lighten the load, if budgets allow.

Caring for older relatives is a rich opportunity for our kids to contribute. We can build a culture of caring into our family, says Jenny, which is so valuable for our kids – teaching them empathy, a sense of duty and care, patience and tolerance.

Again, communication is key. Explain to your children that more help is required as their grandparents get older. Ask for your kids’ input – they might have some ideas for jobs they’d like to do. Teaching (and re-teaching!) Nana how to send texts or use her iPad might be the ideal task for a (patient) tween. Perhaps your kids might get excited about using the lawnmower or leaf blower to help out. Recently, all three of my teenagers spent several hours stacking firewood nearly into Grandad’s shed and they found it surprisingly satisfying. (Firewood warms you twice, as my dad's always said.)

At the same time, we keep in mind the need to protect boundaries for our kids – they have things going on in their lives too. So, like the VIPs that we are, we model self-care and validate everyone’s needs – young and old.

Simultaneously caring for young kids and aging parents is complex. Jenny reminds us that there’ll likely be grief to acknowledge and navigate with our kids as their relationship with their grandparents changes. Kids may have some big questions, so fill in any gaps with age-appropriate information. Allow space for big feelings like worry, says Jenny, who also recommends getting some books out of the library to support younger kids as they process the reality of old age and/or illness.

Acknowledgement is also profoundly important in terms of what our precious parents are going through. The support they have been used to providing for us starts to look very different, and I can only imagine how unsettling those new limitations must feel.

Honouring our parents’ dignity and keeping their sense of autonomy and capability intact are postures I regularly remind myself to stand in. Framing your questions well and allowing agency wherever possible is more great advice I’ve appreciated.

And be honest – gently! It can be hard for people to grasp the scope of responsibilities in each other’s lives. Every family looks different. Even our own parents might not be fully aware of all we are juggling. That said, I’m certainly not the first in my family to be in the sandwich… I’m merely following the footsteps of a long line of inspirational caregivers, models of manaakitanga. My parents have been where I am, as have their parents. And so spirals the circle life – seasons of care, seasons of being cared for.