He doesn't care what privileges he loses

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale.

Our 11-year-old son, Cain, is unbelievably strong-willed. We have tried every discipline method we know. He has lost so many things that we thought were important to him, including screen time, but it seems that he's not attached to anything in particular. Our big worry is that he seems to be disregarding other authority figures as well, including the school principal. We have no tools left and feel we are going backwards.

Everybody needs to feel connected, but some of us mask it really well. Strong-willed children are often in this camp and seem to push us away, all the while needing us to stay close. These kids usually have a very strong belief that they are right and others are wrong, and it can really get them into trouble.

In her book, Rest, Play, Grow, bestselling author and counsellor Dr Deborah MacNamara talks about this sense of 'counterwill' - a defensive reaction against feeling controlled by others. We all have counterwill, but strong-willed kids seem to have an extra dose and this can really push a parent's buttons. Dr MacNamara points out that with enough force, threats and punishments, we can make strong-wiled kids comply with our rules, but this often leads to resentment and confusion, eroding deep connection.

There is a high price to pay when we only respond to a child's behaviour, missing what else might be going on under the surface.

It sounds like Cain is stuck and needs to you take the lead - but in a different way. The closeness has gone out of your relationships and this is where the focus needs to be. When he feels connected to you, he is much less likely to violate your expectations.

Cain has spent his energy protecting himself from hurt, so this is the time to reinstate some together time - something that will nurture your relationship. It might be reading to him at night, taking him to his favourite takeaway outlet or doing an activity together. This time together should not be a reward for good behaviour, or be taken away as a punishment. Cain needs to know that his behaviour cannot push you away. He needs reassurance that you love and like him, and that you prioritise this over teaching him a lesson. He needs to hear that you want to be close to him. When we have our children's hearts, we can parent and lead them better. Front foot the connection, and begin rebuilding your relationship.

Cain needs to hear more about the belief you have in him too. When he hears he has messed up yet again, is useless, thoughtless, a let-down or whatever terms are used, he is unlikely to improve. Instead, try calling out the gold in him: "Cain, you chose poorly this time. We know you can think through this problem and work out a better plan. We are here for you."

When you say things like this, Cain will hear that you haven't departed from the relationship and that you believe he is capable of working it out and trying again.

Cain also needs opportunities to flex his growing ability to solve problems, think for himself and find out what does and doesn't work. This is essential for his growing sense of self and autonomy. Try to find ways to support this need in him, rather than shutting it down.

Focussing on relationship building does not mean letting him off the hook for poor behaviour. Our kindness needs to go hand in hand with firmness.

It's unhelpful to believe that consequences alone will stop a strong-willed child from misbehaving. However, consequences may be necessary (even if he doesn't seem to care). Cain may need to miss out on screen time or pocket money, or he may need to pay for damage he has caused to property. A child will often fight with the anger in us and miss the learning opportunity, so it's important that the consequence is logical and natural, and that it's delivered calmly.

In the heat of the moment, it's really tricky to remain calm and reasonable, so try putting yourself on pause. Let Cain know you are going to think about the situation and how he has behaved, and then work out the best way to move forward. Buy some time rather than reacting in the moment. When things have calmed down it's easier to come up with the next step.

Extract from Kind, Firm, Calm: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Parenting, by Jenny Hale. Available wherever good books are sold, and also now available as an e-book.