Is there ever a 'right time' to have a baby?

When is it the 'right time' to have a baby? Is there even a 'right time'?

This question is understandably complex and the answer will be unique to personal situations. Rather than offering a prescribed ‘right time’, I can suggest helpful things to think about and useful questions to ask.

First up, have an honest conversation with your partner about your expectations and dreams for having children. Are your ideas and values aligned? Do you feel emotionally ‘ready’? Maybe one of you does, and the other doesn’t. Ask each other about your fears and concerns. Discussing your feelings about having a baby can help you get on the same page as each other. And don’t worry if either of you doesn’t feel 100% sure that you’re ready to start a family – that is pretty normal.

What will life be like with a baby? You won’t know for sure until you get there. Plenty of ‘what if?’ questions can’t be answered in advance, so there will always be a certain element of ‘taking the plunge’.

Traditionally there has been a huge focus on the mother’s health, lifestyle, alcohol consumption, smoking etc, prior to and during pregnancy. However, studies are increasingly showing that the father’s health, age, alcohol, tobacco and drug use also affects baby and the health of future generations. “A man’s diet and lifestyle or exposure to stress or chemicals may modify epigenetic markers contained inside sperm. These epigenetic markers can be passed down to children and affect their health…. Wider awareness of the role both biological parents play is needed.” (Wilkinson, Low & Gluckman)

Babies need stuff, for sure, but far less than you may think. And they definitely don’t need the glamorous nurseries and designer equipment that Instagram might be suggesting. The big-ticket items you initially need are a carseat (these can be hired), a pram and/or a front pack to carry baby, and a bassinet, cot or pēpi-pod for baby to sleep in. Ask friends and whānau for hand-me-downs. Scour the op-shops or Trade Me for a second-hand items. Having everything new might feel important, but it really isn’t. We bought a brand new white wooden cot for our baby girl, thinking it would last beautifully for all our future children and look lovely for years to come. It didn’t. When she cut her first teeth, she systematically scraped them against the lovely white paint work all around the cot’s top edges. Our subsequent children all had a very second-hand looking cot (and are so far turning out just fine).

As tempting as it is, try not to go crazy buying cute little clothes for your babe. Most babies put on the equivalent of a block of butter every week and very quickly grow out of their outfits. Also, you might be amazed to see how many people buy you onesies after your pēpi is born.

Babies have the biggest impact on the budget in terms of income, leave and childcare. Can you afford to go down to one income for a while so one parent can stay home to care for baby? Parental leave entitlement is better than it used to be, (up to $500 per week for the primary caregiver for the first six months of baby’s life) but it still often represents a pay cut. Many primary carers want to stay home longer than the first six months too, so it’s worth planning for how you will afford this. To help with the adjustment, it’s a great idea to practise living on one salary before you actually need to.

Occasionally people bandy around figures like $400,000 as an rough estimate of the total cost of raising a child from infancy to adulthood. This is a big number, and a bit frightening, but don’t get overwhelmed – you don’t have to pay it all at once! It is also hard to know how folks arrived at this figure. It’s fair to say there are sacrifices when it comes to raising a child. Transitioning from the classic DINK (Dual Income, No Kids) lifestyle can mean some adjustments especially. Think simplification, however, rather than FOMO – Netflix on the couch instead expensive nights out; exploring your local parks instead of weekend city breaks…

One of the most overlooked parts of preparing for a child can be the emotional side of it. It’s a big change and can affect all facets of our lives – particularly relationships! What can we/should we be working on/be aware of to prepare for a baby?

• Pay attention to strengthening your relationship with your partner or spouse

While it’s still just the two of you, it’s the ideal season to strengthen the foundation of your family – your relationship as a couple. The stronger your relationship is, the better. Consider going on a marriage/relationship course (local churches often host these or you could find an online provider). These courses can operate as a WOF for your relationship, trouble-shooting any issues before you enter the intensity of child-rearing together. Remember, prevention is wisdom! Couples that attend to small conflicts or tensions, prevent bigger conflicts later.

• Pay attention to your village

Do you have whānau and friends living nearby who can form part of your village as you raise a baby? If you feel isolated, it is a very good idea to be intentional about finding your village. Join an antenatal group that can turn into a coffee group after the babies are born, or enrol in your local Space group.

It’s amazing how emotionally supportive it is to have people to talk to about any worries you have about your baby, especially if they are people who really love your baby – and love you! It really does take a village to raise a child, and the little gems of insight and encouragement we share with each other can be life-changing. I remember my friend letting me know, “Oh, you've put that nappy on backwards!” And it was my mum who solved for me the mystery of strange brown marks on my toddler’s tee-shirts. Who knew that banana stains?

• Pay attention to your mental health

Most people know a bit about postnatal depression or the ‘baby blues’, but recent research tells us that mental distress can begin at conception or rear its head up to a year after birth. We all need to be aware that this is a vulnerable time for women.

Much can be done to support those experiencing perinatal distress and early detection is extremely helpful. If you have experienced previous mental health concerns, let your midwife and GP know this background. If you feel anxious or depressed, or are experiencing other mental distress during pregnancy or once your baby has arrived, don’t dismiss it. Confide in your ‘village’ (partner, whānau, friends,) but also make sure you speak to your midwife or GP about any symptoms of mental distress. Similarly, dads can be vulnerable to depression during this big life change, particularly if their partner is struggling or depressed.

So back to our original question – is there a ‘right’ time to have a baby? Well, clearly it’s wise to take the decision to start a family seriously! There’s a lot to consider, but remember that there is also a lot of support available to those embarking on this wonderful adventure. And it’s a wise parent who asks for help – we all need support and encouragement from time to time!