Pause, Reflect, Engage: A simple strategy for complex problems

Just why is it that our feelings and behaviours sometimes seem so out of control? The answer lies with our extraordinary brain. It is designed to solve problems and, together with our nervous system, assesses threat and ensures our survival. Usually our brain goes about its business so automatically that we hardly notice what it’s up to. It’s not until it is under stress that we realise how much is going on in our brain and how unhelpful all that activity can sometimes be. Let’s look at our prefrontal cortex for a minute.

Only humans have a fully developed prefrontal cortex. It is the area of the brain responsible for higher-level thinking. It helps us to set goals, problem-solve, focus our attention and control our impulses (although this is less true for chocolate!).

When we’re stressed, our body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Interestingly, these stress hormones suppress the brain activity in the prefrontal cortex so that we literally cannot think (this explains overdoing the chocolate). This may sound like a silly thing for our body to do, but it is very clever (and gives you an excuse for all the chocolate).

When our brain notices a dangerous situation, it prepares us for the fight, flight, freeze response. It doesn’t have time to have a debate with itself about the best way to get out of the situation. Our brain just wants us to run, attack, or play dead – whatever it takes to get away from the threat. All the activity in the prefrontal cortex will just get in the way of that. Of course, once the threat is gone, our stress hormone levels go down again – but not at the same rate. While our adrenaline levels fall quite quickly, our cortisol levels take a bit longer to settle down – about 24 hours. So it takes a wee while before we can think straight again.

A side effect of stressful life seasons (typical in parenting, could we say!?) is higher cortisol levels that don't go down as much as they usually would. This means our prefrontal cortex may not be working as well as it normally does. You might find yourself struggling with problem-solving. Your attention span might be pretty short. You might notice you're way quicker at speaking your mind. Simply put, in tough moments, our prefrontal cortex is hamstrung by the rest of the brain’s brave attempts to protect us and make sure we get through relatively unscathed.

Okay, now that we know that there is a reason for our short tempers and forgetfulness, what do we do about it? Well, we need to prioritise taking good care of ourselves.

Science tells us that supportive, positive relationships with their parents and caregivers shield children against the fallout of stress and adversity. So, as parents, we need to make sure that we do things that give us the physical, mental and emotional resources to be the stress defence for our kids. Admittedly, it seems a bit easier said than done – but don’t despair. The solution to this complex problem may be very simple – as simple as Pause, Reflect, Engage

Pause, Reflect, Engage is a simple phrase we can use to bring the brain’s threat level down, help our prefrontal cortex to do the work it was designed to do and, in the process, make sure we practise some empathy and self-compassion. We can use it to calm our brain when we feel overwhelmed and it is also useful during quiet times to simply check-in with ourselves.

Pause

Pause is about stopping and taking a slow, deep breath (or 3 or 10). Breathing is really, really helpful! Oxygen is a gift to the brain and nervous system and a very quick and effective way to calm things down a bit.

Reflect

When we ‘reflect’, we gather information about and from ourselves, as well as from our surroundings. We use ‘reflect’ to notice our thoughts and feelings based on the situation we’re in. We do this by asking the following questions:

• What is happening for me right now?
• What is happening around me?
• How does that make me feel?

Once we have that information, we can use it to better understand ourselves and the situation, and we can formulate a plan of how to look after ourselves with empathy and compassion.

Engage

Once we have that plan for self-care, we can ‘engage’ it, or put it into action.

It's Monday morning. Your teenager has overslept, your middle child doesn't want to go to school because it's cross country today, your youngest can't find their school shoes... probably because they left them beside the field at Friday lunchtime. Classic Monday. The toast is now burning, you've yelled at your teen, ignored your middle child and (loudly) told your youngest you're never buying them shoes again. You're feeling exhausted and frustrated, defeated even; and it's not even 8AM.

It could be time to Pause, Reflect, Engage.

Pause

Take 3 deep breaths. 3 more if you need to.

Reflect

Gather your information:

What is happening for me right now? I am becoming more and more frustrated by my inability to ever get the kids out of the house on time for school, or anything for that matter. I'm tired, over it, and just want to go back to bed.

What is happening around me? Actually, the weekend wasn't relaxing at all. I spent a lot of it helping my parents as Mum's health isn't good and they probably need to downsize... and soon. There's so much work to be done there, it's overwhelming me. And then I came home and my house is a mess, laundry is piling up, the dryer stopped working and expensive school shoes are missing. Plus my teen has exams coming up and I know they're behind with maths and really worried about it. I'm taking on their anxiety, now that I think about it.

How does that make me feel? Anxious! I feel worried about the future; sad that Mum's not well; and I'm carrying a big sense of responsibility to make sure that those around me are looked after and cared for. Thinking about it all has left me physically very tired.

Based on the information, you realise the need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself the space to adjust to the demands of life in this season. You notice that there's no need to feel guilty about any of it. You've been trying to juggle everyone’s feelings, including your own, and being late for school and work just adds to the complexity of the day, hence it's so triggering. You remember that it's been ages since you've done anything nice just for you - a walk on the beach, a coffee with a friend, an early night with a good book...

Engage

There are some things you can't control, but other things that you can.

With the understanding that the ‘reflect’ phase brought, it makes total sense how on edge you feel. You make a mental note to take the dog for a long walk this afternoon; you apologise to your kids for snapping, explaining that it was more about what is going on for you right now that it was about them. You ask your teen about tutoring available at school - they mention a lunchtime session that their friend goes to. You empathise with your middle child - you hated cross country too, but you got through it. And you remember your mum buying you ice cream afterwards as a reward. They seem happy with that prospect. You grab the flyer for the local handyman with a plan to book them in at your parents' place. You notice that it's warm enough for sandals so your youngest happily finds those in their wardrobe and heads out to the car.

And you feel that much calmer, less stressed; all that brain space that was being used to beat yourself up about less-than-average Monday-morning parenting is now free to think about something else.

So, give it a try. Next time your inner world seems confusing or you need to check yourself, simply Pause, Reflect, Engage.