Parenting with mana: You've got this

Parenting can be hard. We pour out everything for our kids who then answer back, ignore our requests to unpack the dishwasher, complain about what they don’t have, don’t appreciate what they do have, and explode at small disappointments – like how those ice blocks you bought as a treat are actually the wrong flavour.

Most parents are doing their best but are also plagued by doubt and taunted by Google search results. We’re not quite sure what approach to take, so we flip-flop between firm and consistent one day, then accommodating and flexible the next.

We love our kids – they're adorable and wonderful. But, if we’re honest, there are moments when we don’t really like them that much. And that doesn’t sit well with us.

There are lots of reasons for this struggle and one insight won't fit every family, but my hunch is that somewhere along the way, with all the cultural shifts, a global pandemic, the abundance of advice and a desire to do it all differently to our parents, we lost some of our confidence.

I’m going to borrow a word from te ao Māori – as parents, we’re struggling to recognise our mana. As a result, we find ourselves hesitant and uncertain.

Parenting is hard when you’re second-guessing yourself. Parents have to make decisions all the time and we need an internal compass and some deep kindness that supports the calls we make. It’s not possible to get it right all the time, so giving ourselves space and freedom to sit with that reality actually helps us hold our mana.

Mana allows us to be both close and strong, warm and structured, in the lead and flexible. We can back ourselves and hold the reins, without needing to control everything and suffocate our kids.

Children respond to our confidence. They get a boost from seeing us as trustworthy, despite our imperfections. When parents stay grounded and respect themselves, our mana is there for our children to see and feel safe in. And when our tamariki witness mana being lived out, they will begin to recognise their own mana too.

I love the word mana. It speaks of having authority, influence and charisma. There is something about the word that invites me to see myself as a person of dignity, strength and worth.

I grew up feeling loved and connected to others, and with a healthy dose of freedom which helped me feel confident in my body. But I also had a measure of insecurity and shyness that would sit with me for a long time. I had to learn that I belong here in this world, that there is room for me.

Life is not a level playing field. We all start at different places when it comes to feeling confident, adults and children alike. However, mana is something we're all born with. What is true for each of us is that we belong, our lives have purpose, we are loved and we matter. That is my anchor. That gives me mana. I did not earn it, nor do I have to deserve it.

Here’s what I think mana looks like in parenting:

• You believe in yourself – you’ve said ‘Yes’ to the job of being the parent and you believe that you can handle the leadership of your whānau.

• You know your job – to keep your children physically and psychologically safe.

• You know you are not perfect, but you feel you are enough. You are open to growing and have a sense of being part of something bigger than yourself.

• You draw on the strength of others, the wisdom in your world and from the past.

• You are not afraid to ask questions or seek help.

• You are not doing life on your own – you have connections to community, whānau and friends.

• You hold a mixture of humility, vulnerability and strength, living out each value.

It has been wisely said that it is not so much what you do that matters as a parent, but who you are. We often focus on parenting techniques, believing that if we just had the right strategy, tone or knowledge, then we would be winning as a parent. And when we are struggling, we feel guilty, inadequate and disheartened. Parents really want to do the best they can – there is not so much a lack of trying as a lack of believing we are enough for our children.

Restoring and maintaining mana starts with looking after ourselves and checking in regularly with our own wellbeing. Parenting offers a big invitation for personal growth. Getting the support needed to make big and deep changes is key. Facing your own trauma and experiences is hard, but parents are good at doing what it takes to be there for their tamariki.

There is certainly no shame in asking for help, and I strongly encourage all parents to go after what they need, whether that’s a friend to regularly catch up with, a counsellor, a parenting course or coach, an anger management course – whatever you feel could help. We all need someone on our side, who we can walk through the hard stuff with.

My hope is that you start each day knowing you are loved. That you begin to believe that you’ve got what it takes to do this job of parenting. That you believe you can grow and change. That you give yourself patience and grace while you figure things out.

My hope is that you never feel like you’re doing it alone. Parenting really does take a village! We are made for ‘holding hands’ with others – some have experience and wisdom that we can borrow, and later, we can lend our insights to those who follow.

My hope is that parents celebrate the things they’re good at. Maybe you’re awesome at reading stories, or playing imaginative games, or inviting your kids to join you in projects. None of us do everything perfectly, but all of us do some things wonderfully.

My hope is that you take your eyes off your mistakes, let go of any comparison to others and remind yourself that what your child needs is you. Your warmth and closeness, your kindness and humour and your strength. You are growing in confidence and feel a sense of patience and hope that you will get there – one little step at a time.

This is parenting mana. And when we walk in it, we inspire our children to know their own worth and believe that they too have mana... and that no one can take that away from them.